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...a stoner.

 David Skegg is yet to discover that the most profound philosophy that occurs at Otago Uni does not in fact take place in the philosophy department, it in fact takes place at Union Lawn at 4.20 pm. That’s right; this week, Matthew, I’m going to be a stoner. It’s a completely NORML thing to do these days.
   When dressing as a ‘smoky philosopher’, the best piece of advice I can give is wear bright and colourful clothing. Solid colours are good, but multi-coloured is even better! Tie-dyed shirts are ideal for portraying the ‘no one told me the sixties are over’ image. The added benefit of all the multi-coloured clothing is that it becomes a swirling nirvana of colours when you’re under the influence of cannabis. If you’re aiming for the hippy look, top off your outfit with a tie-dyed headband; otherwise follow the Dunedin standard and grow yourself a hearty mass of dreadlocks contained under a Rasta tam. Not only will these keep you warm, but if maintained correctly, they will serve as a terrarium of sorts for ants, lice, and even the occasional snack morsel. Great if you get lonely and/or hungry!
   The smoky philosopher is mellow. Very mellow. In fact, they’re so mellow that they even had a brand of biscuits named after the way in which they smoke (mellow puffs). So, stay relaxed at all times – life’s about contemplation, not aggravation. Even your speech should be relaxed; every word in your sentence is a leaf, gently floating on the soft breeze of your speech, making its way into the world to join the tree of global wisdom. On that note, if you want to be a smoky philosopher, you will require a significant amount of free time as even a simple conversation takes a great deal of time if you’re speaking in a truly relaxed fashion. Where possible, make sure to use words from the sixties in your speech. Things aren’t ‘cool’, they’re ‘groovy’; the party wasn’t just ‘good’, it ‘blew your mind’; the last bong wasn’t just epic, it was ‘radical’. Granted, not all stoners are hippies, but how can you not love a guy in a tie-dye shirt commenting on how groovy everything is?
   Now you’ve got the look and the attitude down, throw in some accessories to mix it up. Bongs are the obvious choice, but there are still lots of options. You’ve got the wizard bong if you want to go traditional, the apple bong if you’re feeling creative, or the gumboot if you’re in the mood for some kiwiana flavour. Finally, go and get yourself some circus gear. Juggling or diabolo work best as stilts tend to get a bit cumbersome. Not only does this give you that certain je ne sais quoi, but it also gives you a legitimate reason to hang out on union lawn at 4.20. If that’s not radical, I don’t know what is.