Critic’s infamous blind-date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mis-matched pairs, and the occasional hookup.
Each week, we lure two singletons to Dog With Two Tails, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this svounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned —if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
Hers - Laura
It’d been a long and busy day and I was on my way home. I was ready to tuck into the fresh cup of miso soup I had just picked up and indulge myself with some of the latest Orange is the New Black episodes! Who knows, perhaps even a Rob roy single scoop later on if I was feeling saucy… But just when my mind was it ease I received a frightening text informing me that I had been nominated for the Critic blind date taking part later on that night. Given the fact that I was feeling as dry as a camel’s hoof I thought why not.
I walked in and looked around the bar, hoping to lock eyes with someone who I knew was also in the same awkward predicament as myself. I won’t lie, my first impression was that his face looked like a baboons arse, but after hearing my mother’s voice echoing in my head ‘not to judge a book by it’s cover’ I decided to wander on over, praying that his conversation was better than his uneven moustache.
He was well educated, well traveled and spoke with a sexy deep Waikato accent. We ordered the fries and a bottle of wine and before I knew it he had become beyond attractive. I almost slipped right off my seat when he told me that he had a model train set at his home. He insisted that we go home to play ‘trains’.
Once we got to his house he immediately showed me his model trains… I was so impressed I decided that he deserved a kiss or two… It was at this point that I decided the ‘’train should enter the tunnel…’’ Sadly though, this train seemed to be the little engine that couldn’t.. Although it might not have ended exactly the way I had hoped I definitely plan to see this man again. Thanks Critic for an awesome night!
His - Jared
After sending about ten drunk messages to Critic, I think they finally broke and decided to send me on the blind date, on the condition that I never message them about it again. After wanting for so long to go on the blind date I immediately started to regret my decision once the nerves kicked in… To combat those nerves I decided to shot half a bottle of sambuca and sucked through enough cigarettes to smoke a fish.
I arrived early and decided to sit myself down with a lemonade... Lemonade due to the fact that I came in way too hot and was seeing double, I needed to cool down otherwise she would think my native tongue was Spanish. Halfway through my soft drink I looked up and saw a lovely young lady walk through the door. I’ll admit, she was a lot better looking than myself. It was it at this stage that I started shaking… although I’m unsure if that was due to nerves or the half a bottle I’d previously necked.
She was a lovely lady and the conversation really flowed… When I say the conversation flowed I’m purely guessing… The alcohol had well and truly kicked in and I’m pretty sure I was actually dribbling. But for some reason she hadn’t left yet and I think she was almost enjoying herself. I decided that I would try and strike when the iron was hot. I mustered up the courage and invited her back to mine on the premise that I had a train set at home. When we arrived at mine one thing led to another and before I knew it we were in bed. But just my luck I had the balls of a stunned field mouse. Thanks all the same for the date Critic! I hope to see this girl again in the near future and I’ll be sure to cut my alcohol intake!