“My grandfather was a wonderful role model. Through him I got to know the gentle side of men.”
- Sarah Long
This week a loyal reader has kindly forwarded me an email from her grandad, chock-full of advice. She wishes to keep their identities secret, but I can reveal that the grandad-haver resides in North East Valley, and her grandad writes to her (and us) from sunny Tauranga.
MESSAGE:
“Hello dear! It is your Grandad (Roger) here! Just writing to see how things are going in Dunedin. I hope you had a good break – your Grandma and I are so proud of our little scholar. Things here in Tauranga are going well, as per usual.
I have included my Christian name (Roger) at the beginning of this email just in case you thought this was Grandad Brian. But I know he doesn’t email you very often, kiddo. I guarantee he doesn’t love you as much as I do, and he is leaving you less in his will than me (he is also poorer than me and of worse stock). I am the better Grandad, I know, and I will make no bones about it (until I expire and become a skeleton ha-ha, do not worry I am still fairly healthy). But after all is said and done, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones with Brian, as I know he has been poorly of late (gout). ‘Live and let live’: a handy phrase which I hope you abide by, dear.
Our new neighbours (the Brazilian couple) have finally moved in. They are very nice. I cannot stress enough how important it is to be friendly to your neighbours! I may have botched things early on though, as I foolishly made reference to Cocaine (the drug of South America), as there is a small but growing drug problem developing amongst the residents of Bethlehem Shores up the road. And Rodrigo (our new neighbour’s name) made a face when I said the word ‘cocaine’ as if he thought I was implying he knew a lot about it, because he is from South America; which I was, but I didn’t mean it like that. And now every time I see him I go out of my way to show that I AM NOT A RACIST PERSon sorry for caps, the labels on most of the keyboard buttons I’m using here at the library have worn off and I can’t find the backspace. This is my third attempt at this email and I will NOT start again this far in. I am sorry. I always greet Rodrigo and his (much younger) wife with a friendly ‘Buenos Dias!’ (which means hello in Spanish, the charming language of South America). This is my way of showing my appreciation for their culture, but they are both still very wary around me. It is very important to be respectful and welcoming of other people’s cultures, and you should always make a point of doing this.
I believe you should always take good care of your body. I have learned this the hard way. Back when I was a young man, I used to be able to wrestle a horse to the ground. But alas, last week I hurt my back putting on my trousers first thing in the morning. I thought a walk around the Mount would help loosen it up, but it only made it worse, and I became exhausted. I went to the chiropractor and in my exhausted state told her I had tweaked my back. She and the nurse started laughing jollily because they thought I said I ‘twerked’ my back (and I don’t know what that means). They kept laughing uproariously and said I should try this ‘twerking’ because it might help my back, and I said ‘Oh thank you! Finally some good advice!’ And so, when I was at the Papamoa public library, I searched for ‘twerking’ on the computer... and I was outraged. I WILL NEVER ‘TWERK’! I REFUSE to twerk! NEVER! I forbid it. And you and your friends should not twerk either! I emailed the chiropractor and said I will never return there. You must never visit a chiropractor because they are all liars, bandits, thieves and jackals. The chiropractic profession is a big fat SCAM anyway – I only went there for the attention. I will not twerk.
Please reply in a timely fashion. Love from Grandad.”
Do you need advice? Write to: sageadvice@critic.co.nz