The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails.

If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz

Drake

I turned up to my blind date with some liquid courage hoping to find a third person for my boyfriend’s first threesome (sorry mum, you raised me better). Spoiler alert, spit roast was not on the menu that night.

I arrived fashionably late and my date was already waiting for me. Boy, was he cute! He introduced himself in a sexy French accent and I immediately thought a baguette would be nice for later in the night but unfortunately, it too was not on the menu. I told him what I was looking for and he was definitely not keen.

I decided to drown my sorrows by ordering some absinthe, which was a mistake as I could barely read the menu already. The chat was decent, the atmosphere good, but very much like Law Camp, it was not going to happen.

We decided to call it quits when our tab was finished and we went our separate ways. Oh, and I ended up ordering a sirloin because apparently that is the only meat I can get. Cheers to the Dog With Two Tails for being the one to fill me up. Even though the blind date was over, the night was still young. 

While my date excused himself to the toilet before hitting the road, I decided to talk to the lesbian couple at the table next to us. I blabbed to them about my adventures so far and they asked me to join them for the night. Of course, I never say no to strangers. We end up at a bar, dancing and grinding to very exotic music.

Now, I would not exactly call myself a fan of the vagina, let alone two, so I snuck out before things got any more physical. In the wise words of Nicki Minaj: “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got dick, hun” (she totally said that, fight me).

I stumbled my way to my boyfriend’s flat. Thanks to the power of the internet and some well-angled pictures of Richard, we managed to find a new friend for a late-night game of Twister. Thanks to the Critic for a great night. Can’t wait to share this story with the grandchildren.

Josh

I prayed to God all day that my blind date would not be one of my exes. He listened to me and instead gave me a guy looking for a +1 to have a threesome with his boyfriend. Still confused on which one is the worst one tbh.

I arrived early (like a real gentleman), and he arrived fashionably late. We introduced each other, at least he did because whenever I would try talking about myself, he would not understand my accent and would tell me to repeat myself. But +1 point for pretending to understand me, especially when I repeated “volunteering” three times, and he said "Oh, I don't know what that is" in a very serious way.

He then nicely asked me what I emailed Critic before the date, to which I answered “I don't remember” (which was a polite way of saying “I don't want to tell you”). He proceeded to ask to read my email and gave me his phone so that I could read his. Twist of the night, the guy was already in a relationship and was looking for a +1. And it took him the whole night to understand, even after being straightforward, that I ain't no side dish, I ain't no mashed potato!

We continued our chat, talked about a few stuff and decided to get the strongest alcohol on the menu. I just wanted a cider at the beginning, but the guy really wanted his absinthe so we ordered two of them. I started drinking it quite quickly while he realised that strong alcohol was not his thing. So nicely enough, the guy let me finish his drink so I "could be a little bit more flirty". Side note: guys, if someone does not want to flirt with you, giving them alcohol will not make them change their opinion.

I decided to end the date after we were not allowed any more free food or alcohol for the night. I proceeded to walk home after refusing his offer to have a threesome for the fifth time, and he walked back to his boyfriend's place.

Thanks to Critic for putting me with a guy with whom I had only one common interest: boys. And, more honestly, thanks for the free food and alcohol, it gave me the motivation to stay on the date.