Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

New year, new you. Go to the gym and then immediately treat yourself with Maccas.

This week’s drug of choice: Sugar

 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

It’s your birthday. Drop out of Health Sci and do that film degree.

This week’s drug of choice: Crippling debt

 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

You will find $20 on the ground from a failed O-Week drug deal.

This week’s drug of choice: MDMA

 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Your crush doesn’t like you. Move on.

This week’s drug of choice: Oxytocin

 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

People call you two faced, and they are correct. Make a face mask only using ingredients from your flat.

This week’s drug of choice: Bath salts

 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

Sunny weather forecasted for Thursday. Use it to get that dried cum out of your sheets.

This week’s drug of choice: Birth control

 

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

Check the menu at UniCol before you fuck that fresher.

This week’s drug of choice: Imodium

 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

Cleaning everything in your room won’t fix your UTI. See a doctor.

This week’s drug of choice: Antibiotics. Cranberry vodkas don’t work. 

 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

You will break your bed base during bad missionary. Buy a new frame, sleeping on the floor is bad for you.

This week’s drug of choice: Syphilis

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

Is it love in the air or is it just fresher flu?

This week’s drug of choice: Vitamin C

 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

Just because there’s a goalkeeper doesn’t mean you can’t score. You will cheat on your high school partner in the Suburbia bathrooms.

This week’s drug of choice: Chlamydia

 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

You’re somehow already four assignments behind. Stay hydrated for your all-nighter on Friday.

This week’s drug of choice: Ultra strength No-Doz