Speight's has done so many things to make me the person I am today. It's the best beer I’ve ever been able to afford, it makes me think I’m manly, and it has alcohol in it. As a matter of fact, I base my entire personality on loving Speight's.
It's not as tragic as you may think though, just last night I met someone who supports the Chiefs AND bought tickets to R&A. The only thing that would top it off is if they actually liked Speight's Cider.
Speight's is like Pendulum. Possibly the greatest thing that has ever come to its respective field of excellence. But Speight's Cider… It tastes like the day you find out Santa Claus isn't real. It gives you the same feeling you get when you find out that (yet again) Matt Todd missed selection for the All Blacks.
Fittingly it tastes very bitter. This taste will stay in your mouth, both literally, and metaphorically, as you will struggle to mask the taste and disappointment for the remainder of your night.
I’ve actually filed a request to the Oxford society to add Speight's cider into the definition of the word ‘Disappointment’.
I love you so much Speight's, but after trying your cider, it's hard for me to feel any different to how I felt when I learned Kylie Jenner didn’t ‘realize things’ in 2016. Seriously, there is nothing more gripping than following someone's journey of generic realization. When you find out they realized nothing… That hurts.
The only thing I realized from this Speight's Cider experience however, is that no hero is invincible. Perhaps this drink was made to remind us of exactly that.
I quote every primary school teacher here by saying, “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” even though I’m quite clearly angry.
Tasting notes: Rotten apples and (please forgive me Speight's) Heineken
Taste rating: 14/72
Froth level: Buying tickets to the wrong festival, hiring an elite coach and still losing every game in Super Rugby Aotearoa, getting caught wanking
Pairs well with: Being bad at beer pong, crying when your hero makes a simple mistake, being David Clark