Following complaints from Dunedin Hospital’s children’s ward about seeing “certain naked activities at night” from Hayward College across the road, the Hospital has stumbled upon a win-win situation: moving the geriatric ward to face the hall of residence instead.
Dr. Burt Klooger, Geriatrics Unit Clinical Leader, told The Critical Tribune that this move was initially forced by space concerns in the ageing building. “The children’s ward insisted they had to move away, and the only available space big enough was the old folks’ unit. And Lord knows these geezers have enough trouble getting out of bed, never mind getting it on, so we thought seeing a bit of youthful action could be the thing to lift their spirits a little bit.”
The move has been a terrific success, says Dr. Klooger. “It must be something about seeing young people so lively and active that perks them up, I guess,” he said, as faint chants of “DRINK MOTHERFUCKER DRINK!” and a bass-boosted remix version of Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To The Moon” rumbled in the background. “They’ve even been passing tips and tricks back and forth with Hayward residents, which would be kind of sweet if some of those tips and tricks weren’t illegal. I’ve even had to report some matters to the Poli—,” he said, before the interview was interrupted by an urgent call from the geriatric ward.
As the Critical Tribune’s reporter was leaving, Dr. Klooger was spotted hobbling out of the ward, bruised and with “SNITCHES GET STITCHES” carved, in elegant cursive, on his forehead.