The conversation with Matt, James, and Peter was held through a layer of tears.
We found the boys reminiscing over their pet possum, Possmate. Yes, you read it right: this group of breathas had “adopted” and “domesticated” a pet possum in their Castle street flat. However, Possmate now remains in their memories and hearts. And, well, maybe in the gutter too, but this was neither confirmed nor denied.
It all began last year when this group of then-first year boys got their mate a chicken for his birthday. After putting said chicken in his room in the hall, scaring the shit out of both the birthday boy and most likely the chicken too, they moved on to bigger and hairier things.
One fateful day, the group of boys were shearing sheep on a farm outside of Dunedin when they heard a trap go off. Inside the trap: a possum. While the boys initially believed the possum had reached the end of its life, they looked further and found a “small ball of fluff” scurrying around. “It was a little pocket possum,” said Matt, admiring the animal. “It was really all downhill from there.”
Living with a possum is not usually recommended by anyone in their right mind. They can give you tuberculosis, leptospirosis, spotter fever, tularemia, goodcuntitis, coccidiosis, and more. The flat risked those germs, by their logic, for the sake of ethics. “His life had already been on the line, in a trap, on his own. We felt morally obligated to raise it ourselves,” said James. So, they welcomed their furry friend in and named him Possmate. The compassion displayed towards the critter really calls into question the emotional capabilities of breathas, and leaves no room for excuses when they don’t treat you right after a one night stand. Just for the record.
Possmate resided in one of the two bathrooms in the flat. However, the bathrooms were already designated to specific flatmates, “so you still had to use your indicated bathroom,” said James. Even if that bathroom had a new inhabitant.
This created some sticky situations, but only for half of the flatmates. “When it was nighttime and you went for a shower, Poss’s clingy nature made it very intimidating.” One of the boys recalled that “You would open the door and he would run out and grab you, and next thing you know, you’re butt-naked with a possum hanging off your leg.” Maybe this actually forced some of them to wash their legs rather than expecting trickling water to do the trick. Matt gazed fondly away, reminiscing on the “couple times that Poss did shower with us”. They never used soap on him, though, and instead “let nature do its thing”.
In what can only be reimagined as a weird montage, the next few weeks were spent hanging Possmate in different places because “Poss and all possums in general have really strong tails so they just act like velcro, you put him on people and he wouldn't leave,” according to James. They also tried different genres of music, and unfortunately, Possmate did not froth DnB. Rather, he preferred the finer things in life, such as “80’s Dutch house music, probably going back to his Dutch heritage,” said Matt. Poss is, of course, Australian. Not Dutch.
The flat went away for a weekend trip, giving Possmate to a friend to look after. Unfortunately Possmate, missing either his dads or the taste of native birds, escaped. When they got the news, the boys were “distraught, as you could imagine”. But miraculously, Poss returned two weeks later to the same complex, showing up with characteristically impeccable timing, just in time for a party. Everyone was screaming “There's a possum, there's a possum!” which drew in the attention of Peter from the street, who ran in and scooped Possmate up.
Matt remembers this fondly, and is near certain that this possum was Possmate, not just a random possum. “If you look deep into its eyes, it recognizes you. I saw a single tear fall from its cheek when it was finally reunited with us.” Matt continued, “Our connection only grew stronger from there, we were inseparable. The possum actually started running towards us.” This was until a few months later when the possum ran away again.
Possmate, like their ex-girlfriends, has not returned, despite repeated calls.
What did the boys learn on their brief venture into parenthood? Besides the fact that having a pet possum apparently makes it easier to get girls to come around, they reckon they’re “massively more suited for fatherhood” now. With Possmate, they learned the basics; from “having to prepare dinner, making sure his school uniform was washed”, and asking the simple questions like “Has anyone fed Poss today? Has he gone for his 10k run? Has he done his chin-ups?”
With a bigger flat next year, and more possibilities on the horizon, the boys are thinking about getting a bigger pet. “Maybe a native bird, we have actually thought about getting an albatross.”
Pray for that albatross.