Gossip gets a bad rap. It’s often seen as hurtful, harmful and unnecessary. And sure, sometimes a simple “Did you hear…” turns a flatmate into your new campus opp or sends a relationship to its early grave. But not all gossip was created equal and there’s a right and wrong way to go about tattle-taling. No one knows this more than us here at Critic Te Ārohi – potentially the biggest gossipers on campus. Heck, we publish 48 pages of it every week! This means we are entirely qualified to offer you a how-to guide to ethical gossiping, from fact-checking to, in the worst case scenario, not getting caught.
Vet your sources
The juiciest and most outrageous gossip usually comes from your friend who can never really remember what they got up to on a night out. Unfortunately, this means that their stories, while wildly entertaining, may suffer from embellishment. Our advice: take it all with a pinch of salt. As much as you may want to believe that the mate of a mate of a mate really did climb the Clocktower, unless there was someone there who actually witnessed it, it’s probably a bit shy of the truth. If you have to rely on secondary sources, take the utmost caution and consider how prone your informant is to telling little white lies. If they’re detail-oriented (or use multiple highlighters in their planner), however, then you’re good to go.
Ask questions
So you’ve heard some tea. It’s now time to delve a little deeper and verify the validity of the information. Try slipping in a “Wait, who told you?” or a “Nah, that can’t be true” into the conversation. This will prompt your informer into backing up their claims and ensures that the info you’ve received has some actual grounding. Plus, any names they give you can be incorporated into your gossip circle. Now that’s what I call networking!
Know your connections
Don’t shoot the shit if you don’t know your stuff. There’s a perfect level of friendship where nearly anything can fly. If you’re close enough to someone to trust them with your life – or your vape – then gossip away. You can have faith that what you say won’t spread to the wrong people. But be warned: without knowing someone’s connections, gossip can get out of control. Think twice before spilling it to that girl you meet in the bathroom on a night out.
Also keep in mind that some people just aren’t into gossiping. That’s okay, but it means staying tight-lipped in their company. There’s nothing worse than being known as ‘one of those gossiping types’ and having a person’s whole perspective of you change. Sure, you know that you are the gossiping type, but that doesn’t mean you want to be labelled that way. A good bet if you aren’t sure of someone’s stance is to wait until they start gossiping with you. If they never do, it's a no-go.
“But who am I to judge”
The best way to stay ethical when chatting shit is to sandwich your statements. The formula is as follows:
- “I shouldn’t know this but…”/Don’t tell anyone this but…”/ “Just to let you know…”
- *Insert gossip*
- “But, like, who am I to judge?”/ “I don’t even know if that’s true”/ “I just thought you should know”
As everyone’s aware, the sure-fire way to avoid any trouble is the “no offence but…” method. This absolves you of anything you say that may be taken the wrong way and ensures that your gossip is purely informative. Your tea is now just a matter of catching your co-gossiper up to date on the recent haps. Really, they should be grateful that you have taken it upon yourself to do so.
Dish the dirt, but don't slander
You’ve crossed the line into the shitty person realm if the things you say about someone can’t be defended or changed. It’s all well and good to talk about a person’s actions, but dragging in unnecessary details about the way they look or are as a person is just plain uncool. Don’t be a dick.
If all else fails deny, deny, deny
Unfortunately, there will come a time in your life when you get caught. The things you drunkenly tell someone you meet at a flat party will come back to bite you when someone knows someone who knows the subject of your gossip. In this situation, you’re lowkey a bit fucked (sorry). But if what you said while intoxicated comes back to you while sober, your best course of action is to deny it all. You could also try passing the blame onto someone with a bigger reputation for gossiping but this only works so many times before everyone stops being your friend. Take heed.