Culture

Are you having trouble with your online image? Finding that your comment section is more shame than fame? If you’ve done something to get yourself cancelled it can be hard to navigate the digital experience. That’s why a tried-and-true method to cleanse yourself of all wrongdoing is the classic apology video. 

 

Think Logan Paul apologising for filming the suicide forest. David Dobrik posting “let’s talk” while turning off the comments. Colleen Ballinger’s ukulele-filled apology from hell. That sort of thing. It literally can’t go wrong because deep down, you’re perfect. You just made a little oopsie and now people are thinking about it a little too much. Nothing that some crocodile tears won’t fix.

 

Luckily for you, you’re a student at Otago, so you have everything you need right at your fingertips. Be sure to take the following papers if you ever want to succeed online. 

 

 

You will obviously need to take an English paper. Writing a convincing script is important in order to convey your message, whether that be rage or regret. Sometimes both! This paper is perfect for you. It tackles classics: controversial classics. Paradise Lost, Lolita, and The Picture of Dorian Gray, just to name a few. You’ll need to learn how the greats did it before you. Heck, in a way, these books are the original apology videos. They tackle heavy themes that society typically doesn’t like to talk about. They present their ideas effectively and dare to be so bold in sharing their otherwise diabolical perspectives… sound familiar? This class is essential and must be paid attention to at all costs. If you really seek to write the most baller of YouTube apology videos, then your only hope is Oscar Wilde. 

 

Improv! Obviously, improv is a must. The power to cry on command is possibly the greatest gift one could have. It's not enough in this day and age to just look down sadly. No: you need tears. Delicious, salty tears. Will anyone really be mad at you if you sob like a child? Exactly. In fact, theatre really should be your major. 

 

In order to succeed in your message, one needs to know how to structure and design your video from top to bottom. From thumbnails to music to editing, you need to know how to make your message carry. Your crocodile tears will only take you so far. This class teaches you about the power the media carries through our society. Specifically, though, social media. Jackpot! This course acts as a how-to on making a certain audience feel the way you need them to feel. Like for example… a baller title? Think back to any of the great apology videos. So many memorable titles like, “Hi”, “Let’s talk”, “I’m sorry” and my personal favourite, “I think I’ve messed up”. Only true masters of media could possibly arrange such a collection of words. With a working knowledge of media and all her mysteries, you could get away with murder. Maybe some already have. 

 

Last but not least: Psychology, of course. Think of any great figure in history. Patrick Bateman, Annie Wilkes, Billy Loomis, these people got it. They understood how to prey on people's emotions, and to convince people of their overwhelming innocence. Of course, you didn’t do anything wrong to begin with. But just in case, the mind is a powerful thing. It is your job as a respectable YouTuber to know how to control them in mass numbers. Just look at that Markiplier, do you think anyone would actually watch that stuff on their own accord? Get real. 

 

It’s simple, really. If you take these papers you will be well and truly on your way to the best YouTube apology video this world has ever seen. Side note, though, you may want to try taking some singing lessons, and maybe a bit of guitar on the side. It’s not essential, but studies have shown that people are very easily swayed by song and dance.