The pie. It’s simple, it’s working class. Like L&P and DIY, it’s in our DNA, and just like pavlova, Aussies just don't do it the same. The pie is the go-to meal from any petrol station, dairy or else any other place the marginally cooked food gives you a 50-50 chance of food-poisoning.
With the Campus Shop in Central shutting down for the summer, Critic was cruelly cut off from their shitty $3.20 pies and forced to branch out. And so, we hit the road and forked out for $5-or-higher Otago pies. They’re ranked on filling to pastry ratio, taste, and how patriotic a pie in the sun makes you feel. Besides, it’s about time Critic Te Ārohi does a pie review.
Bakehouse on Bond
Bakehouse on Bond was the first victim of the review, consumed at the unpleasant hour of 8am. Standing outside of the bakery nervously waiting for the place to open only heightened the experience, one not too dissimilar to a fresher in the line for Subs. It’s hard to beat a classic, so the first pie of choice was the steak and cheese, coming in at a reasonable $5.90.
Immediately, the pastry stands out as being about as thick as Otago’s fiscal managers. Unlike the former, this at least allowed for a good crunch. The filling in this pie was top-tier, at least for Critic, who was battling from not having breakfast. However, this was overshadowed by the 60% pastry, leaving the pastry to filling ratio somewhere between a jam donut and a croissant.
Filling to pastry ratio: 5/10. Chaotic neutral
Taste: 7/10. Like a BP pie, but it's from a bakery so you pretend it's better.
Patriotism scale: 8/10. The tradie breakfast
Jimmy’s Pies Roxburgh
Roxburgh is the pie version of Paeroa, good for one thing and exuding kiwiana atmosphere. With this in mind, there was no other choice but a mince and cheese, at the beautiful price of $4.50, making this the cheapest pie of the review. The price is so inflation-beating that it fills you with a sense of nostalgia; this nostalgia has seemingly encased the whole town of Roxburgh, which hasn’t seen any change since they built the dam in the 1950s. That is, except for their public toilets which blast classical music at a decibel level that would make anyone taking a phone-call in Central Library during exams jealous.
The pie itself, despite being freshly made, is stock standard for any Jimmy’s pie that has been in the heating cabinet of your local dairy for the past week-and-a-half. The pastry is flakey, though with enough structural integrity to not completely collapse mid bite. Both the gravy and filling here were about as average as every Instagram caption during the annual flood of RNV posts. Cheers for the ‘Rhythm and Mud’ caption Alice, wonder how you came up with that one. Like a Toyota Hilux post 400,000kms this pie was solid, reliable, with all parts somehow still working as they should. Nothing more but nothing less. All things considered, some sort of spice or additional element would fully tie the experience of this pie together. But is it really necessary to add that second LED light bar to your reliable old Hilux?
Filling to pastry ratio: 4/10. Need a glass of water to get through this one.
Taste: 6/10. Like eating McDonald’s for every meal overseas, safe and reliable.
Patriotism scale: 10/10. Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
Sanga’s Pies Cromwell
At this point in the road trip, Critic could not handle one more meat and cheese pie, so we decided to branch out in this tourist attraction of a pie shop – seriously, it’s about one QR code and neon-sign away from being a Cromwell branch of Fergburger. Charging standard tourist prices, Critic paid $9.50 for a pie called the ‘Southlander’, a corned beef and mustard sauce pie that felt almost as gentrified as when people on Vogel Street discovered Tumblr. Whilst this boy was hefty, the pie followed through to its price point, so much so that you can almost taste some lifestyle influencer posting one on their story as you chow down.
Filling to pastry ratio: 9.5/10. Close to perfection.
Taste: 8/10. Somehow the mustard tastes like wasabi.
Patriotism scale: 2/10. Like Peter Thiel having NZ citizenship; I guess it’s Kiwi but it's tokenized.
Beano’s Bakery Waikouaiti
Critic only managed to get to Beano’s right before they closed so options were limited: steak, or steak and kidney. Being two months removed from study, a glimpse of sanity and rationality had returned: Critic went with steak. For the below-average price of $6.80, the pie remained entirely underwhelming, with the pastry having minimal crunch. The filling of the pie was simultaneously liquidy and tough, whilst appearing about as unappetising as UC’s hall-food. The pie tasted a bit like one you would get from Night ‘n Day but a bit more chewy and not available at 3am. Despite arriving in the afternoon, the overall sogginess of this pie made it seem as if the entire thing was undercooked, much like David Seymour’s Treaty Principles Bill.
Filling to pastry ratio: 7/10. At least they got that right
Taste: 4/10. Maybe the kidney would’ve saved it.
Patriotism scale: 6/10. Beano’s still holds Waikouaiti together.