Stomach churning, palms sweating, panic creeping in. You’re sitting in a lecture, when suddenly *that* feeling hits. Guaranteed to get you down in the dumps for the rest of the day, it’s a fight that you know you can’t win: You have to take a shit on campus, outside the safety of your flat.
Whether you’re lactose intolerant, pee-shy or just looking for somewhere to cry, use this handy list to plan your next evacuation points if you feel your tummy rumble.
2nd Floor Science Library
Your choice of floor in this liminal-space of a library greatly changes the game when it comes to toilet time. Ground floor has no toilets, relegating you to the stalls of the busy Science III foyer. First floor has only one-to-two stalls, and the most traffic of any floor. But on the second floor, a safe haven awaits after the asthma-inducing flights of stairs.
Fully enclosed rooms beckon those who brave the stairs, long enough so that anybody waiting should not hear you get down to business. They’re in a foyer too, relatively private from the rest of the library. If you’ve just departed your 500-person lecture in St Dave’s, sprint here for the personal space you’ve been craving for the last hour. Alternatively, if you’re in the library to get metaphorical shit done, use this wonderful room to take an extended doom scroll break from your study sesh.
Best for: Productive procrastination
Beware of: Sometimes stinky
Microbiology Building
Sporting the freshest reno on this list, the Microbiology building has forgone gendered stalls on every other floor for private, gender-neutral swanky toilets. The higher up you go in the building, the quieter the toilets get, and the less freshers you encounter. But don’t go too high, you may stumble into a lab and accidentally cause an outbreak of a disease much worse than Fresher Flu.
The toilets always appear to be clean (but being microbiology, the worst germs leftover from labs can’t be seen), making it the perfect place to poop without concern. The sciencey surroundings can make you feel smart too, as you giggle at all the scientific terms for pooping. Excreting, voiding, bowel movements, faecal deposits etc.
Best for: Taking unnecessarily long breaks during your labs
Beware of: Going at the wrong time and having to fight with a thousand freshers waiting for their lab
Te Korokoro o te Tūī
Nestled behind Robertson, this safe haven guarantees you one of the most tranquil dumps of your life, despite the irony of being inside of the music department. Critic did not spot a single other soul on their visit, but did spot a printer next to the toilets in the foyer. Those wanting to multitask can kill two birds with one stone, while saving the awkward hover around the printer.
This entry features the only stalls on the list (not that you’re likely to encounter anyone else), but there is a fully-enclosed and gender neutral wharepaku available as well. The toilets themselves smelt the best of any bathroom on campus, and sported a funky mural by the sinks to gaze at as you wash your hands. An airblade dryer replaces the usual paper towels, making you feel like an eco-legend.
Best for: Peace and quiet
Beware of: Noise – all the music studios are soundproofed, not the toilet stalls
Law Library Toilets
These toilets have a layout as equally confusing as the library they’re found in. Sandwiched between floors within the internal stairwells (because apparently law students are too good to be connected to the rest of the Richardson), lie private and isolated toilets.
Few other spots on campus give you this much concrete to stare at, despite being ten floors above Dunners. This provides the perfect sensory deprivation chamber in which to battle your intestinal-related demons that popped up in your study sesh. Rumour has it that sometimes there’s unguarded toilet paper to take back to the flat, to go along with the stash of stuff you take from SOULS by impersonating a law student.
Best for: Dungeon vibes
Beware of: Hungover law students fighting for their lives
The Bidet: 2nd Floor Business School
Located conveniently above Te Mātiti, The Business School Cafe, the toilets here provide a quick escape for when your recently-chugged ice coffee meets its ultimate demise in your bowels. The toilets here are in a separate room of eight, gender-neutral, fully enclosed toilets. But one of these toilets is special, hosting (to Critic’s knowledge) the only bidet on campus.
Bidets are widely adopted in other cultures, but us in the West are lagging behind. Being more environmentally friendly, more hygienic and better at not clogging up pipes, there are many benefits to be noted. Armed with this knowledge and relentless optimism, the fifteen button panel was a marvel to gaze at. Bonus points because the toilet seat is heated, perfect for those 8am winter shits.
As a bidet novice, the presence of the ‘turbo wash’ button was concerning, so the much safer auto wash was selected. What occurred next was perhaps the longest thirty seconds of my uni-life, being pelted with what could only be described as the jet-setting of your backyard hose. Just when you think it’s over, it dries you too. But it burnt (like seriously, it hurt). Critic should warn any interested readers that the bidet does not appear to stop automatically either, because the bathroom door was shot with the same jet of water upon standing up.
Best for: The environment and health
Beware of: Knowing how to use a bidet without accidentally traumatising yourself
Bonus Round: Ask Otago Help Desk
Critic didn’t ask in time.
Best for: Changing your timetable and underwear
Beware of: The line of freshers behind you
Bonus Bonus: Gender Neutral/Disabled Bathrooms
Due to the building and planning laws that exist in Aotearoa, for a toilet to be considered gender-neutral, it must be fully-enclosed and have its own sink. Roomy, private and comfortable: attributes for the perfect dump in a public place. As gender neutral/all gender toilets, these can be used by anyone. However, most gender neutral bathrooms on campus also double as the accessible disabled toilet – often the sole one available. Though the Uni committed to building more gender neutral toilets more than a decade ago (check out 2023’s ‘Bureaucracy, Constipated’ for our coverage), gender neutral bathrooms are still in short supply on campus, essentially forcing queer and disabled people to compete for the shitter. Great.
Genderqueer students deserve affirming bathrooms that they feel safe in, and that aren't on the other side of campus, and disabled students need accessible bathroom spaces; room for a power chair, space for assistance, a table to change a colostomy bag or check insulin. However, these two marginalised groups find others in their already limited single bathrooms. There's already been a Meaningful Confession on it this year, from a disabled student forced to wait for two girls to finish using their loo as a gossip space.
The University is addressing this via a three-phase plan rolled out in 2022. The first phase includes adding locations of existing all gender/all access bathrooms to the Otago app. This will be great – when it happens, that is. It’s a win-win situation for all students eventually, but as Critic has reported in the past, there have been controversies and delays over the implementation of these toilets. Our disabled and genderqueer writers have “reviewed” these bathrooms plenty, with the following verdict:
Best for: Having IBS and NBS (non-binary shits)
Beware of: Entitled people who could use literally any other bathroom any time they like. It’s okay if they’re all full or it’s an emergency, but come on.