If you’ve attended Electric Ave, Six60 or one of the first few Pint Nights, you would have noticed some pretty appalling crowd etiquette. You don’t need to part a friend group like the Red Sea to get to the front. In a mosh situation, tall people must act very carefully. Sometimes you don't want to stand out, but it feels like those built like the Burj Khalifa are held to a higher standard than the rest.
This article is an unbiased account from someone who is 6’3” (and single and a feminist). Because of my height, I often get some filthy looks when getting dragged around the mosh by my pocket-sized pals. It is easy to feel guilty having the view of the stage all for myself, but I shouldn't pity the small. It's not my fault that they didn't eat their broccoli as a child. The best we can do is try to reduce the harm of our slender builds. I’ve tried out a few tactics to stay respectful in crowds, some better than others. Let this be a guide, for all those who feel as tall as the Richardson, to not let height get in the way of your big night out.
Don’t wear platform Docs:
Yes I know that you look slay, but tonight is time to put those platform Docs away. There is no reason to add any additional height. Taking height-minimising actions should be in your highest interest. If you are planning to head right on up into the mosh, then any shoes with added soul are a no-go. The person behind you will feel no sympathy.
Sacrifice: Style
Effectiveness: 9/10
Move around a bunch:
Doing a little side-to-side shuffle can allow everyone behind you to take turns in getting a glimpse of who’s on stage. No, this does not mean that you should whip out your best impression of a car dealership inflatable. Make sure that those hips are somewhat contained, to save the person behind you from a non-consensual lap dance.
Sacrifice: Nada
Effectiveness: 8/10
Create a line of tall people:
This one happens naturally. Often a group will nominate their lengthiest character to stand behind the rest of the giants. This process repeats until you have an entire line of tall people. Double points if it is in height-ascending order. The goal is to concentrate all of the little munchkins into one big clump. This is the closest thing to equality that you will find in U-Bar. An act that will make Karl Marx smile.
Sacrifice: Your privilege
Effectiveness: 10/10
Have the best time of your life:
If you want that spot near the front, you have to earn it. There is nothing worse than being stuck behind an emotionally joyless giant while your favourite artist is playing. If you want to get somewhere in life, you have to go work for it. If you want to keep your spot in the mosh, you better be having the best fucking time of your life. No one can complain about missing out on the view when someone more deserving has it.
Sacrifice: Your 9am lecture
Effectiveness: Who cares/10
Dance moves to help you lose a few inches:
T-Pain was onto something when he said, “Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.” Maybe Shawty was tall. Myself and T-Pain recommend whipping out a few height-limiting dance moves to give the vertically-challenged a few more opportunities to get a glimpse of the stage. Thankfully, there are a surprising amount of dance moves that involve a squat. Throwing down a few slut drops is always a good option. The Rasputin never fails to be a hit, likewise with the worm, and if you're feeling confident, busting out into a low twerk also does the job. In case you left your boogie shoes at home, you can always try the stanky leg. This involves bending one knee at a time to shift your weight from side to side. This works if you’d like to sustain a diminished height throughout the night. Beware that the above options will likely cause postural issues. Make sure you warm up (with an Irish jig) before trying out any of these moves.
Sacrifice: Your knees
Effectiveness: 5/10, only momentary relief
Let someone onto your shoulders:
Sometimes you may spot one of your fun-sized friends jumping like a grasshopper to catch a glimpse of the stage. Feel free to kneel in solidarity and let them climb onto your shoulders. Your little friend has gone from 2x zoom to 0.5 mode in a single moment. While it may be unpleasurable to have your head sandwiched between two thighs, be assured that the person above will be having the time of their life. Be prepared to get a finger wag from the seccy’s (AKA fun police). Just don’t be too disheartened that no one ever wants to have you on their shoulders, you get a good enough view anyway.
Sacrifice: Your dignity
Effectiveness: 8/10
Profusely apologise:
Apologising is a great way to act like you care without actually doing anything to help. After pushing your way into a nuts to butts crowd, you may feel the pressure of a few dirty looks. The conundrum then is, how do you stop feeling guilty without forfeiting the spot you shoved your way into? The easiest solution is to shower everyone within earshot with apologies. The only person that this technique pleases is yourself. Beware, one half hearted apology too many could lead to a punch in the face (thankfully the worst they can do is an uppercut).
Sacrifice: Everyone else's will to live
Effectiveness: 0/10