Culture

Do you struggle with making basic life decisions? Worried about never bumping into your campus soulmate, or whether to eat two-minute noodles for every dinner this week? Fear not, chums, for I, Madame McMystery, have gazed deep into the cosmos to reveal the secrets the planetary alignments hold in store for you!

(Disclaimer: Madame McMystery is not responsible for any physical or emotional damage caused by the interpretation of her predictions and subsequent actions influenced by them).

Aries
You know you’re going to get that assignment done — you’re an Aries! You’ve got this! So stop using that 2% assignment as an excuse not to come out with the flatties this Thursday, nerd.

Taurus
Did you know Carly Rae Jepsen has made a comeback? You will by the end of this week, as her new single will be playing in the background during your hook up on Saturday. Check out the music video too; Tom Hanks is in it (and it’s basically the cat’s pyjamas).

Gemini
Mars is aligned with your alcohol moon this week — avoid tequila at all costs. Bad decisions will follow and the loss of your dignity will haunt you through to the end of semester.

Cancer
Wear blue this week. Not only does it bring out the colour in your eyes, but with Jupiter in your career zone it will help you make friends and influence people! Also, make lots of eye contact to project confidence. Everyone loves people who stare.

Leo
The time will come this weekend when you ask yourself if you really need that last can of beer before you hit town. The answer is no.

Virgo
You know where hiking trails lead? True love. Go wander through some nature this week and you’ll probably meet the love of your life. Or at least see a cool tree. Maybe some birds.

Libra
You know how you said that test coming up would be fine? It won’t. If you sit it with your current attitude, I foresee a three-day wallowing-in-self-pity extravaganza filled with Doritos, self-loathing and a three-kilogram weight gain. Get to a library ASAP.

Scorpio
You will get a cold later this week. If you have your eye on a special someone, get with them before the symptoms show up. Also, beware the man in blue. He is plotting something.

Sagittarius
I f you’re trying to pull this weekend, Boogie Nites is the place to be. Just set your standards low.

Capricorn
S top being a dick to your flatmate about drinking the last of your milk. The time will come this Thursday at 3am when you will be begging them for some toast and they will not let you forget it.

Aquarius
T his week is a chance to get back to your roots. Seeing as you are a water sign, I highly recommend spending most of the week frolicking in the surf at St Kilda beach. If you have classes, forget them. This is more important.

Pisces
Y ou know you’re talented, I know you’re talented. Have you ever thought about showcasing this to the wider student population via a free performance on the Union lawn? This is the week that guarantees you success if you do! From juggling swords to putting on a one-man production of West Side Story, I’m sure your peers will admire you for your endeavours!