Culture

Do you struggle with making basic life decisions? Worried about never bumping into your campus soulmate, or whether to eat two-minute noodles for every dinner this week? Fear not, chums, for I, Madame McMystery, have gazed deep into the cosmos to reveal the secrets the planetary alignments hold in store for you!

(Disclaimer: Madame McMystery is not responsible for any physical or emotional damage caused by the interpretation of her predictions and subsequent actions influenced by them).

Aries

Blue can be the colour of the sky on a good day, or the colour of a mouldy piece of bread. You will be blue this week, but how you deal with it is up to you. If things are heading south, blast Taylor Swift’s album because if you feel that shit, the judgement of your cruel peers is not going to matter to you one bit.

Taurus
You should take the bull by the horns this week and face up to whatever you’ve been avoiding. No one likes a wimp, especially you, so put on your big kid shorts and sack up. Alternatively, if you ignore the issue, it should resolve itself by mid-2016.

Gemini
Twinsies! Someone will wear the same outfit as you on Thursday and — I’m going to level with you here — they will wear it much better than you. Try not to let the jealous spite stop you from striking up a conversation with them though, as I see a potential friendship budding between the two of you.

Cancer
At noon on Friday, the thing you’ve been wanting to happen most will occur. Unfortunately it won’t happen to you because you’ll be in the library, studying like a nerd.

Leo
An unexpected journey will take you to exactly where you need to go. Even if it seems like you’ve ended up in the worst place imaginable, it’s honestly where you need to be. Unless you end up in Gore, because there’s absolutely nothing okay about that.

Virgo
Romantic endeavours are doomed this week. Pluto’s just messing your mind up and making you think that taking someone to a parking lot at 3am is super romantic. It isn’t - no matter how much chocolate and Justin Timberlake tunes you bring.

Libra
The alignment of the moon and Uranus this month means that you should definitely not go to any lectures on Monday at 12pm. You should also skip any other lectures you have for the day because Mondays are abominable.

Scorpio
Hme is where the heart is, but it’s also where your parents monitor your drinking habits. Life is full of swings and roundabouts — try not to pine for home and instead enjoy being an adult who can buy alcohol while having the responsibility of a housecat.

Sagittarius
You’re having trouble keeping up with the excitement of your love life, but you must make a choice about who you want to be with. Get it together, or the dreamboat with the pretty eyes will find someone else to stare at.

Capricorn
So you’ve had a week of sobriety after swearing off alcohol permanently after the St. Patrick’s Day/Hyde Street debacle(s), but I foresee a time in the immediate future when you will find the inner strength to pick up that Scrumpy bottle once again.

Aquarius
I see scurvy in your immediate future. What were you thinking? A diet of toast and tea is not okay. To avoid having all of your teeth fall out; get creative with fruit and veggies. You don’t actually need to eat them, just rubbing them all over your body should do the trick.

Pisces
Get among some book learning this week, Pisces! Sure it’s boring, but you can’t spend all day frolicking in nature. Knuckle down for a week while Neptune is still in your knowledge quadrant, then you can skip down as many forest trails as your heart desires.