Sex in the majority of videogames is the worst. It’s terrible. Why is it so awful? In God of War you button mash the controller and get rewarded with moaning. In the 1987 adventure game Leisure Suit Larry, your main aim is to try and make women have sex with you by being an undesirable sleaze. In Grand Theft Auto San Andreas you can have multiple girlfriends without them knowing, this is not consensual polyamory at all. You take them on dates and then get rewarded with (can you guess) more moaning. In Grand Theft Auto V, probably the weirdest “mini game” (??) is getting a lap dance in the strip clubs. If you touch the strippers enough, you get to take them home and sleep with them. All of the boobs look weird and polygonal, the women are terribly voice acted and scream like they’re in a really bad porno faking an orgasm just to make the bad sex stop, and it’s all hetero as fuck.
Why do we accept this? Why is sex a weird reward mechanism in games and not treated as something that can be explored and taken seriously without being fetishised or misogynistic? This is absolutely something that needs to be addressed and worked on in the industry. However, there are some games out there that address sex in a realistic and relatable way and lucky for you I have played some of these games and I’m going to share them with you! Hurrah! Also, side note, I’ve never seen a penis in a videogame, hit me up if you know of any. Cool, thanks.
Ladykiller in a Bind (2016)
SPOILER: this game is like, 90 percent lesbian sex, so maybe don’t play it if you’re super sensitive to sexual content.
This game won an IGF for best narrative in 2017 and if that isn’t enough reason to play it then the super intense sex scenes should be. I played this game in a room full of people squealing because I’m very immature. Eventually I had to slap my laptop shut because my face was embarrassingly red and I was having a little bit toooooo much fun. The writing in the overall arc of this game is fantastic and the limited time choices you can make add to the excitement and risk, really hooking you in from the beginning. Also, you do have the option to skip sex scenes if you’re not comfortable with them, rad!
The Sims (2000)
Ok, I know that “WooHooing” with Bella Goth and subsequently ending a marriage as well as fulfilling your Sims’s life dream of being a Heartbreaker isn’t the most realistic depiction of sex (or is it??????). But The Sims is pretty ground breaking for sex in videogames because you could actually have gay sex freely, straight from the get go in the first Sims for PC, released in 2000. You can smooch, hug and serenade your way to a perfectly wonderful gay relationship.
How Do You Do It? (2014)
Naked Barbie dolls were probably my first memory of seeing what boobs had the potential to look like. Ken had abs, but no dick. Interesting. I still managed to make these two have what I thought sex was at the time. Also with Bratz Dolls, but they took it a step further by really screwing with the anatomy. They have no feet but they do have boobs? Pretty messed up, not sure what was going on there.
Anyway, we’ve all tried to make our dolls fuck each other, right? This game is about that! You wait for your Mum to leave the house before scuttling off to your toy box and undressing your dolls and slapping them together trying to figure out what sex is. The dialogue is hilarious and really relatable. This game is also free to play on browser too!
Everything (2017)
Ok, I haven’t played this yet, but my mate told me that you can have sex with everything. Wild.
Honourable mentions
One Night Stand. What happens in the morning after a one night stand?
Cibelle. An exploration of online relationships and intimacy.
Dragon Age: Inquisition. In this game you can have GAY SEX WITH DEMONS!
Check out this website for a great reference point for games with themes of intimacy, too. www.blushboxgames.com