Whether you’re on it for a joke, or to find love, a quick root, or a dealer, we’ve all downloaded Tinder at some stage or another in our lives. However, sometimes matches and messages lead to nothing. But for the breathas who are wanting a Saturday beezy, or the lonely folks just wanting a date, never fear. I have taken it upon myself to create this one stop shop — how to improve your Tinder, and actually get results.
1. Limit group photos
This one goes out to my people who love group photos — I get it, it’s always easier to post a group photo to show you actually have friends. But, for those of us swiping, we can’t tell who is who. It can be highly confusing. Remember, Tinder is a game played fast. No one wants to stop scrolling to try and decode which one you are in a group photo where everyone kinda looks the same anyway. Get right to the point. Befriend the algorithm.
2. Include your star sign
This tip goes out to the guys on Tinder. Please, for the love of God, include your star sign. This might be the most important fact of all. It dictates if the sex or date between you and your match will be good or bad, exciting or boring. It determines if you will get on, or clash. If you’re an Aries, it’s best to steer clear from a Taurus. Gemini and Capricorn? Recipe for disaster. But, you can avoid the risk of awkward vibes and incompatibility if you just include your fucking star sign.
I can already hear the whines and whimpers from the breathas: “but astrology isn’t real,” “it’s all made up.” No Josh, it isn’t made up. Including your star sign narrows down the contenders, and gives you a more focused approach to your Tinder.
3. Don’t ask for Instagram follows
We’ve probably all matched with someone at one point or another who messages asking for an Instagram follow. Just, why? It literally achieves nothing, and people will be incredibly reluctant to follow you. You may as well just buy Instagram follows from one of those scammer pages.
4. Don’t be a fucking creep
If you successfully match with someone on Tinder, and feel the urge to immediately start a conversation by asking for sex, stop before you start. There is nothing more uncomfortable, seedy, and gross then someone coming right off the bat and asking for sex. It’s best to warm up to it. Try asking how someone’s day is going, or what their weekend plans are, or better yet — “so what are you looking for?” This is much more classy and comfortable then saying “haha wanna fuck?” Remember, you never know if your match is in it for a date, a joke, or a root. With unknown territory, it’s better to tread lightly, then once the vibe is caught, you can go forth as you please.
5. Dead animals aren’t cute
Gentlemen, again, this is something we need to unpack. The boar on your back that you shot up in Central Otago over the weekend, or that massive fuck off trout you caught one time on a fishing trip with your Dad is not cute. It’s not funny, or quirky, or impressive, or attractive in any way possible. In fact, it’s a deterrent, a blazing red flag, a sign of toxic masculinity. Your Toyota Hilux is not a flex. It causes most to run away in horror. Maybe post photos of you at a party with your mates, or tramping, or a nice photo of you at your siblings’ graduation. Just please, anything but blood, guts and that fucking Hilux.
6. Don’t be a soft boi
I get it. You go thrift shopping, and drink overpriced iced Americano’s at Kiki Beware. You like poetry, and think that because you vote for the Green Party you deserve all the sex in the world for being a leftist. Well, you’re wrong. If you are a soft boi on Tinder, it’s best to tone it down a little. I don’t want to hear you wank on about how much you love Pulp Fiction over craft beer at Woof! Nor do I want you to message me the poetry you wrote about your perpetual sense of loneliness. Read the room and put your raging superiority complex away.
7. Limit selfies
More than one selfie is an instant red flag, especially if it is a) in front of a mirror or b) with a snapchat filter. One Tinder user even stated that “if I see a Snapchat filter, you’re cancelled and not making it to the next round.” The people have spoken. Selfies are cringe, and they should be left in 2014 alongside music by The Chainsmokers. If you really can’t contain yourself, and find the need to post a selfie, keep it to just one.
8. Verify your account with the blue tick
The account verification on Tinder is a great way to weed out the weirdos, and prove you are also not a catfish. Basically, account verification just means you are who you say you are, and it makes for a safer, more comfortable experience for everyone involved. People might rip the shit out of you for going through the verification process (which is basically just taking real time selfies) but trust me, other Tinder users will appreciate the honesty.
9. Specify what you are looking for
As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to wading in the pool of love and relationships. It’s best to specify what you want from the get go. There’s nothing more awkward than when you’re just looking for a bit of weed for a Friday night joint and someone ends up falling in love with you, or you have a hook up expecting something more, but it ends up being a one night stand. It never hurts to chuck your bio “looking for something casual,” or “wanting to meet people and date.” It reduces the amount of awkward conversations you need to have, or the mixed messages you may need to try to unravel. Overall, it’s better for everyone if you’re just straight up honest. Online dating can be a minefield of uncertainty and discomfort — so stay honest, stay safe, and have fun xx