There’s always an Alpha Flatmate. From the get go, it’s always about them, their schedule and their drama while the rest of the flat is demoted to peasantry. Never mind the fact that being the Alpha Flatmate is a sure sign of a manipulative, sadistic, and egomaniacal personality. Anyway, if you feel you’ve spent too much time in the shadows, that it’s your turn to rise to the top of the pecking order, then this article is for you. Below is a list of ways you can become the Alpha Flatmate this year, turning the tables once and for all.
Tell everyone your schedule so they know how busy you are.
Any spare chance you get – breakfast, waiting outside the toilet, talking to yourself in your sleep – describe your schedule for the next day. Emphasise quick turn-arounds. Express how much you will be looking forward to a good sleep after such a big day. Because remember, only busy people are important. Remind them of every minor detail. Every extra curricular meeting, every essay, every test, every wine and cheese. Run it into the ground, put it on the fridge if you’re really that ballsy. Your other flatmates will be consistently reminded of how lazy and inferior they are compared to you, the Alpha.
Snap at people and then apologise profusely.
It’s only because you’re carrying the weight of the flat on your shoulders. Now, while this wee tactic is highly manipulative, it is also a transferable skill and looks great on LinkedIn. Here’s how it works. First, make an aggressive and cutting remark to a flatmate. Then disappear for the day. Return that night, red-eyed and bleary, and knock gently on their door. Looking down, explain how extremely sorry you are (first sentence) and how much stress you are under (next 50 sentences). This will justify your explosive reaction, and make them feel a sense of sorrow for you and your incredibly stressful life. Do not say anything in the flat chat - a message can be left on read or avoided. Opt for confrontation to ensure all dramatic aspects are included in your performance.
Early messaging in the flat chat (before 8am).
AFs are not NOs (night owls). They are EBs (early birds) – up early at the gym, protein shake for breakfast, then off for a fresh start to the day. Subtly remind your flatties that you are an EB by messaging any and all flat admin to the chat before 8am. That way, you are the first thing they see and think of upon waking up. Stick with it. Nobody becomes an AF without keeping one step ahead. Message about something which makes you look productive, but also demonstrates what a pain it is that you have to take the time out of your morning routine to remind them of their responsibilities. Remind the flat what groceries need picked up, berate them for the absolutely feral dishes that were left out overnight, the sound of their voices that kept you up late, or for leaving the heat pump on that little bit too long. You know, normal stuff.
Arrive late to flat meetings.
Nothing says ‘I’m important’ like turning up to a flat meeting late and then assuming control. The flat runs on your clock, remember, so it’s okay to mix things up now and then to make sure nobody forgets it. When you arrive, interrupt whoever is speaking to explain step by step what happened to make you late. That you just had to stay behind and ask your lecturer an important question because you need an A this year, that you held a door open for someone's grandpa, or that you saved a dying seagull who was choking on rubbish. Whatever makes you sound like Mother fucking Theresa. Ensure that everyone understands that you absolutely prioritise the flat, but all your other important responsibilities simply tore you away. You promise it will never happen again (even though it definitely will).
Kill ‘em with kindness.
What being AF really comes down to is earning the adoration of your fellow flatties. Foster loving relationships with each one. Bring them soup when they are menstruating. Leave small post-its on the mirror building confidence. Remember when each of their assignments is due and wish them luck. But always be sure to remind them you are the Alpha, the top dog, the ruler of the roost. Don’t be too nice, then you’ll be the FM (flat mum) and no one will listen to that emotional, genuine energy. Real power comes from fear. Stay fair, but firm. Be a lover not a fighter, and always make sure to squeeze in those little daily reminders that you alone are the Alpha. Oh, and don’t screw the crew. If you really must, make sure you get everyone, just to assert dominance.