Fashion has always been cyclical. Typically, the overarching trends of each decade are a direct contrast to that decade or decades prior. Think of the boxy, baggy, top-heavy silhouettes of the ‘80s sandwiched between the more fitted and A-line shapes of the ‘70s and ‘90s. In womens’ fashion, waistlines of garments are raised and lowered, hemlines are short one second then maxi skirts are in the next, and this is nothing new. In the Victorian era, the 1860s emphasised soft, voluminous silhouettes and wide crinoline skirts that could barely fit through doors, while in the 1870s skirts became slim and fitted, with bustles padding out the rear (badonkadonk). It’s kinda like how having hips was deeply shameful in the 2000s, but the 2010s and ‘20s came with people injecting chicken stock cubes into their asses (look it up). So you really never know what’s next.
However, nostalgia is a hot commodity and the reciprocal fashion cycle is getting shorter. Styles that look “dated” one minute are cool and vintage the next. The ‘80s frothed the retro ‘50s aesthetic, and the 2010s saw a huge revival of ‘70s bohemian and ‘80s oversized casual. Now, the ‘90s and early naughties are back, with the Y2K aesthetic overriding our devices much like its namesake. With the rise of fast fashion, the nostalgia cycle is getting shorter and shorter – new looks are dropped on Shein one week and become an outdated meme the next. It seems like we’ve pillaged past eras for all their fashion, and we’re running out. So, where to next?
Using this grossly simplified model, the team at Critic Te Ārohi is at least 32% sure that we can predict styles of eras past that will make a comeback. We’re running out of vintage to bring back, so why not throw it all the way back and draw from heinous historical trends and recent vintage underdogs to bring you the only forecast you’ll ever need.
Codpieces
Before mens’ clothing had zippers and flies, fashion was kinda confused about what to do with dongs. Enter the codpiece: a phallic, pouch-shaped insert on the front of pants that one would simply pile their nards into. Prominent in the 14-1600s, and even making a comeback in suit-of-armour form in the 1700s, codpieces had many applications. Not only did they eliminate the “which side of my pants do my dick go?” problem, they also functioned as a pocket - the perfect size for a little snack. In an era of body positivity, it’s time for codpieces to rear their heads (sorry) once again – when else do men get to feel sexy? Imagine feeling like That Bitch whipping your ID out of your prominent dickholster. It’s the natural progression of the fanny pack.
Pocket hoops
Pocket hoops became popular in the later 18th century, and were an alternative to panniers (like crinolines) that gave you light and practical skirt volume at the hips only. And yes, they did also have pockets. Look, the internet has already made us all feel bad about not having perfectly-rounded hips, so why not say fuck it: square hips. Wear pocket hoops to the club and you have guaranteed social distance of like a foot, and yes, you can store shit in them. Carry your things in style while preventing dickheads from dancing too close to you! These are intensely practical and could totally make a comeback in this utilitarian time. Imagine Carhart-braded pocket hoops.
Capes
Fashion has always thrived on impracticality as a status symbol. Wearing cumbersome and ridiculous clothing separated one from the working class, because how are you meant to do hard labour in that shit? Enter capes: flamboyant, inconvenient, and the enemy of jet engines – all perfect markers for an up-and-coming high fashion trend. Plus, if they get caught on something they choke you out a bit, which is very appealing to our generation, apparently. Despite the pro-cape propaganda produced by Marvel, capes are so unwieldy that they essentially turn one into a limbless mannequin. All this to say that if we convince the elites to wear capes then maybe the revolution will have a chance.
Pussy out
Women’s underwear as we know it was only invented in the early 20th century – prior to that, everyone was kinda just pussy out. Seriously, imagine having to hike your knickers down to take a shit while wearing layers of historical dress. It just didn’t happen. Even bloomers of the late 19th century were open at the crotch seam, essentially consisting of two separate legs – in fact, that’s partly why we still refer to it as a “pair” of underwear today. The simultaneous and timely occurrence of maxi skirts being in fashion (the longest popular skirt length we’ve seen in decades) and most underwear now being made out of polyester (which is terrible for your vulva) means that it’s fairly realistic that we’ll ditch panties altogether, or at least on occasion. We’re already getting sick of bras, and since the most popular underwear style is “invisible” briefs they could become completely invisible soon.
Plague masks
The pandemic was the best thing to happen to mask fashion since the Black Death, so it’s not a stretch to think we could be seeing more of those raven’s-beak looking items make a comeback. After the first pandemic we’re all a little burnt out, but when round two hits I think we’re gonna be ready to have fun with it. Might as well! We’ll see the development of ever-more intricate plague masks as people try to one-up each other in the only way they know how. Instead of filling the beaks with sage and herbs to ward off evil miasmas and spirits, we’re gonna start stocking them with quartz crystals (and still probably some sage too) to ward off the bad vibes. Some things never change.
Chopines
Chopines are kinda like high heels but, instead of having a high heel, it’s sorta like standing on an hourglass-type shape. They’re like very weird mini-stilts. Anyway, their purpose was to allow the wearer to wade through the literal rivers of shit flowing through cities of the time, but this could become once again a necessity as rising sea levels start to fuck with our underground sewage disposal lines. When it all starts bubbling up to the surface you’re gonna need some sort of platform shoe to get around, and these might come back in style. Bonus points if they’re made of wood so you don’t lose them if they float away.
Wax cones
Probably the weirdest of the lot, wax cones were a trend in ancient Egypt to deal with body odour. You’d just wear a lump of scented wax on your head and it would melt throughout the day and mask your odour. As people start freaking out about microplastics (yummy) in everything, including deodorant, natural remedies are moving more and more into the mainstream. And you know what’s better than spreading literal carcinogens onto your lymph nodes? A cute little dollop of wax. You can even incorporate it into your hairstyle - perfect for the renaissance of the beehive hairdo.