A Public Service Announcement by Josh Hercus
<!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Times; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-charset:77; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0cm; margin-right:0cm; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0cm; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Times; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family:Times; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-GB;} @page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} -->
There are many, many problems in the world. We have uprisings and corruption. We have climate change and natural disasters. We have war and mass starvation. However there is one problem that needs to be addressed immediately. A problem that has spread like a plague and is threatening civilisation. I’m talking about “duckface”.
What is “duckface”?
Duckface, sometimes known as “fish lips” but better known as “that fucking annoying pouting thing some girls do when posing for a photo”, is when a female (and less commonly, males) move their lips so that it resembles a duck’s beak. The heinous pouting is then immortalised via photography. It’s ability to kill arousal rivals that of Suzanne Paul’s voice. The origins of duckface aren’t known but it’s possible that it’s a warped form of a French gesture called a “moue”, which dictionary.com describes as “a pouting expression used to convey annoyance or distaste”. Coincidently, that’s exactly what my face looks like right now as I write this article.
Where does duckface occur?
Everywhere. Duckface is commonly found in MySpace photos and some Facebook photos. More often than not, it is found in group photos where the person only has a fraction of a second to decide how to pose. Rather than doing something normal and flattering like smiling, they mould their face into an abomination. Duckface also goes hand in hand with those self-take high angle photos that people take to make themselves look sexual and mysterious not as fat and ugly. Sadly, there is no place you can hide.
Who does it affect?
Duckface mainly occurs in females with low self-esteem and attention seekers. Unfortunately it can also affect hot girls, who ruin their natural good looks by trying to replicate a trout’s face and thus evolve into what is known as a “slapper trout”. Other repeat offenders include everyone from Jersey Shore, Pamela Anderson, Lindsay Lohan, Batman, J.Lo, Zoolander and Angelina Jolie. Everyone knows at least one person in their circle of friends who tries to pull a sneaky duckface every now and then. Maybe that person is you!
Why would anyone do this?
In the wild, many animals can change their shape and appearance in an attempt to distract or ward off predators. A chameleon changes its colour, an octopus squirts ink, and hipsters use pretentiousness and poor taste in music and hairstyles. Some argue that people use duckface as a defensive technique to ensure that the duckfacer never has any sort of sexual/romantic contact whatsoever, as they ward off males and females alike. They point to the fact that no one would ever want to hook up with, let alone touch, someone who is intentionally trying to look like a goldfish that’s had six shots of Botox in its face. Others argue that is it a misguided attempt to “look prettier”. However, this is an obnoxious argument because the only way pulling a duckface could improve your looks is if you had some unfortunate incident that involved the destruction of your face. Even then, it’s difficult to see how duckface can improve anything because it just looks so stupid.
Commonly mistaken duckfaces
Sometimes a duckface can occur completely by accident. While unacceptable, these can be tolerated. Circumstances where this can occur include photos while chewing, speaking and sucking on something sour. These instances should be treated the same way North Korea treats any negative information: hide and/or destroy the evidence and deny it ever happened. That’s why Kim Jong Il’s approval rating is 110%. Because he has never pulled a duckface.
How to prevent duckfacing
If you are prone to duckfacing there are several things you could try. How about smiling? Just try it. However, the true ability to prevent duckface lies in the power of the camera person. When you’re taking the photo and someone is pulling a duckface, just stop and say “hold on a minute, you’ve got something on your face”. When they spend a minute looking for it, vehemently inform them that there was some sort of bird-like beck on their face and that they need to cut that shit out immediately. For the entrepreneurs out there, there may even be a niche market for contraptions that are placed on one’s face to prevent one from pulling a duckface. Although, I think that’s called a gag. Or maybe even a digital camera programme that autocorrects duckfaces into smiles. You would be forever known as the person who cured duckface!
Now that you are armed with this knowledge, never, ever pull a duckface again.
Duckface, begone.
