Booze Review: Jose Cuervo Tequila will murder your whole family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 17th May 2018

Jose Cuervo tequila will murder your family, frame you for visa fraud, shiv you and leave you to die in a Mexican prison.  Have you ever been run over by a freight truck, stomped out by a Super Rugby team in studs, shat your liver out your arsehole, or cried yourself to sleep in a cold Read more...

Jägermeister Doesn't Exist

Posted 9:06pm Friday 11th May 2018

There is no such thing as Jägermeister. It does not exist. It is a myth, concocted by a shadowy group within the government for the sole purpose of accustoming the masses to the taste of rat poison, so one day they can feed it to you and KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.  Think about it: have you Read more...

The Critic Booze Reviews Guide to Craft Beer

Posted 5:20pm Saturday 5th May 2018

Thinking it’s time you grew up and started appreciating the finer things in life? Swilliam Shakesbeer breaks down how to sneak your way into the world of craft beer.   Don’t fuck with craft lagers Craft lagers are bullshit. The only reason they exist is for people that Read more...

Tui Bourbon and Cola is a Disgrace

Posted 2:00am Monday 30th April 2018

Tui Bourbon & Cola is the worst of both worlds. Like combining Andrew Hore with thriving seal colonies. Or Mark Richardson and opinions on anything other than cricket. Or Israel Folau and his opinions on anything. It’s like Mike Hosking, Tony Veitch and Paul Holmes were ground up and mixed Read more...

Corona Tastes Like Nothing

Posted 5:58pm Thursday 19th April 2018

Corona is popular. No understatement, Corona is like herpes, because every third person in the room has it, and it’s usually a fuckboi. Like a dude passed out on the couch and a girl crying on the verandha, Corona is the permanent staple of every flat party. They’re nice to drink, but Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Cleanskin Pinot Gris

Posted 10:22pm Thursday 12th April 2018

Cleanskin Pinot Gris is a playful number that dances gently on the taste buds and fills the room with laughter. Of course, by “dance,” I mean “stomp” and by “laughter” I mean “screams of pain”. Cleanskin takes all the leftover backwash from all the Read more...

Drinking Victoria Bitter Makes You a Bad Person

Posted 10:29pm Thursday 5th April 2018

Victoria Bitter is the most embarrassing thing about Australian cricket right now. With all the shenanigans going on, a review of this atrocity seemed appropriate. Watching Davey Warner cry was about as awesome as the first time I got a boner, and twice as satisfying. Cutting straight to the Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Canterbury Draught

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018

We all have that one Cantabrian dickhead in the group who swears Canterbury Draught (CD) is the one thing in life they live for. But fuck them. There is no way a self-respecting person would admit anything from Canterbury was good. What’s there to like? The Crusaders? Richard Hadlee? Phar Lap? Read more...

Long Whites Are an Absolute Treat and Anyone Who Says Otherwise is a Liar

Posted 8:29pm Thursday 22nd March 2018

Righto lads time to sit your masculinity complex on the shelf for a minute and enjoy a truly delicious drink. Honestly, I’ve got no time for anyone who uses the term “bitch drinks,” because if you think drinking beers instead of vodka soda somehow makes you a man, you’re a Read more...

Haägen is Apparently German For “We Fucked Up”

Posted 9:23pm Thursday 15th March 2018

We’re doing Haägen because a bunch of tradies are following our reviews and rip into us for being yuppie wankers whenever we talk shit about one of their favourites. This one’s for you, fuckers. Haägen is apparently German for “we fucked up”. It’s a big, Read more...