Leith River Found to Contain Traces of MDMA

Posted 8:33pm Thursday 25th April 2019

In a recent study undertaken by KnowYourDrugsNZ, the Leith has been found to be 7% MDMA. Experts theorise the recent Hyde Street Keg Party is largely to blame, with an “influx of pingers” hitting Dunedin streets (and apparently the rivers). Students are gearing up for what looks to be Read more...

Man Who Wore Sombrero to Flat Party Not Actually Mexican

Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019

“It’s true. I’m not Mexican,” revealed Jackson Whitely, while wearing a sombrero and maracas to a local, un-themed flat party. When asked what his ethnicity actually is by Tribune reporters, he responded “Cantabrian.” In an independent investigation, it was found Read more...

Conditions Worsen in Communist East Dundas

Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019

If you look at Dundas Street from space (and really, why else would anyone ever go into space), you’ll see a tragic sight. One side of the Dundas Wall is sparkling and joyful, with many lights burning in a homage to the glories of unbridled capitalism. On the other side, however, in Communist Read more...

Cockroach Living Behind Rubbish Bin in Kitchen Agrees, You Definitely Needed to Add More Garlic to that Sauce

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019

“I mean, Christ on a crisp, the stuff was bloody bland, feel?” muttered the cockroach. “I been living here a year and a half, and the last girls that lived in this flat were making risotto, baking pies… Hell, they even spilled wine on the regular. I loved mopping that shit Read more...

Guy Who Has Seen All 720 Episodes of Naruto Now Most Skilled Brawler in Dunedin

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019

An unnamed local Dunedin man, 35, who spent the last month watching all 720 episodes of the anime Naruto, has reportedly defeated eight men, three women  and two stray dogs in hand-to-hand combat around the city centre in the last four days. He owes his success to what he described to the Read more...

Semen Oozing From Used Condom in the Rubbish Bin Behind Starters Would’ve Been the Guy Who Cured Cancer

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019

Congealing in a gluey puddle surrounded by millions of his dying brothers and sisters, their silent sperm screams went tragically unheard. The single sperm that, in a different timeline, would have become Archibald A. Arnold (Man of Science! Curer of All Disease! Long may his great name be spoken!), Read more...

Girls Who Admitted They Enjoy Receiving Dick Pics Online Actually Just Guy Who Sends Dick Pics Operating Under Fake Instagram Handles

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019

“It’s not like it’s not fuckin true, huhuh,” chuckled Chad Stuttfield, the 19-year-old behind @haileysims11, @jessica_blackkkk and @caseyrae_stevensen, three Instagram handles which responded to an online poll that “Yes”, they enjoyed receiving unsolicited Read more...

That Weed Wasn’t Laced, You’re Just Way Too High, New Study Shows

Posted 2:46am Friday 5th April 2019

In a ground-breaking study done by the University of Otago, it turns out that the weed you smoked two weeks ago was not, in fact, laced. You just have a low tolerance and were trying way too hard to impress your flatmate’s stoner friends. The study was seen by Top Scientist, Dr Shelle Read more...

Sexy Breatha Not Actually Sexy, Just Has Long Hair

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019

It’s another dusty Sunday morning, and you’ve woken up in another stranger’s bed. No biggie. You don’t remember much but you do remember having a great night, and you most certainly remember that some Nordic god of a man with lush, gold hair had been buying you drinks the Read more...

Hames Jeath Exerts Weird Sexual Tension In An Executive Meeting

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019

OUSA President Hames Jeath brought last week’s executive meeting to a standstill by taking a moment to tell his colleagues that they “light a fire under [his] belly.” This was met by a very stunned and sexually confused silence. When one of the other executive members finally Read more...