Third-Year Awkwardly Makes Eye-Contact With Primary School Classmate

Posted 2:43am Friday 5th April 2019

“In my defense,” began Ceridwyn Tentacles, “I wasn’t actually sure whether or not it was the person I was thinking of. It’s been a hot minute since Primary, after all.” But despite this, Ceridwyn was confident in her decision to approach the Critical Tribune about Read more...

Octopus “Honestly, a Fucking Sketchy Ass Animal,” Reveals Otago Marine-Bio Lecturer

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 28th March 2019

When Finn McGill burst the door open to the Tribune offices, soaked from head to toe, he stole the attention of the entire staff. What came next was a summary of the very true and terrifying story of the sketchy ass octopus that lives by the OUSA Aquatic Center, just off the Dunedin Read more...

Dunedin Scooter Kids Stoked Their Passion Has Found Mainstream Acceptance

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 28th March 2019

Critic caught up with a group of five ScooterN’SkateKids found loitering at the skatepark. They had 2 skateboards and 3 scooters between them as well as a packet of Marlborough reds. When asked if they would be moving towards the electric version of their hobbies they demurred. Frightened by Read more...

Tribune Editor Keeps Trying To Fire Chief Reporter, Fails

Posted 8:59pm Thursday 28th March 2019

The clash of two Tribune titans continues as Chazza O’Mazza continues to look for a loophole through which to fire Chief Reporter, Sinbad. According to a Tribune insider (me), Sinbad has been engaging in nefarious activities such as actually engaging with students for news sources, and Read more...

Peeing in Sinks Saves Enough Water to Grow an Almond

Posted 8:57pm Thursday 28th March 2019

Seriously, I did the math. 1 sink pee saves about 13.36 liters of water. 1 California almond requires about 12 liters of water to grow. That's 1.1 almonds per sink pee. Otago Uni has 8,565 male students. Assuming that A: lasses aren’t gonna do this whole sink-pee thing, and B: each guy Read more...

Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019

Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...

Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”

Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019

Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...

Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019

If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...

Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch

Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019

The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...

Lecturer Makes Snide Comment About Student Attendance, Not Realising He’s Died and Become a Ghost

Posted 9:47pm Thursday 7th March 2019

“Samuel Bronk?! I’ve never met this person. Are they even taking this paper?” said Classics lecturer Harold McHuckley, as he read out the roll of people supposed to be taking his 700-level paper CLAS767: The Foreskin in Classical Croatian Pottery. Unfortunately for Associate Read more...