You’ve done some soul-searching and made some realisations about yourself, and now you’re ready to tell the world. Congratulations! All that’s left is to decide how to do it. While we can’t ascertain what you’re coming out with, we can tell you the best way for you to do it using tried and true Critic Te Ārohi-approved methods. Follow through is legally binding. Terms and conditions apply.
- How often do you say “slay”?
- A - I’d straight up rather die
- B - Twice a day, but sometimes I forget. Like brushing my teeth
- C - SLAAAAAAY!
- D - Regularly, but ironically
- E - I literally can’t form a sentence without it, which is very slay of me
- Choose an animal:
- A - Rat
- B - Pitbull (dog)
- C - Pitbull (man)
- D - Frog
- E - Meow
- When was your awkward phase?
- A - Being in utero wasn’t too hot for me, I guess
- B - I documented every moment of it on my high school finsta, and I forgot the password so it’s there on the internet forever.
- C - It has never stopped
- D - First year
- E - Tween years, when I spoke like a tumblr post :3
- Where do you get your clothes?
- A - Hallensteins or Glassons
- B - Hallensteins or Glassons, but off Depop
- C - My whole wardrobe has been stolen from various exes
- D - My floor. Idk, things just appear there
- E - Op shops
- What was/is your fandom?
- A - I don’t *do* fandoms, but I guess I’ve kept up with memes?
- B - Adventure Time
- C - We Bare Bears
- D - Horrible Histories
- E - Twilight
- What is your favourite movie?
- A - The Princess Bride
- B - Human centipede
- C - Minions
- D - The Emperor's New Groove
- E - I’m sorry, I'm too classy to be able to have a favourite movie
- Lastly, how often do you attend your lectures?
- A - Lectures? Never heard of her
- B - I could be considered a cult follower for the amount I religiously attend
- C - Like, sober?
- D - Once. Didn't like it
- E - I watch them online. On time, I just hate people
How You’re Coming Out:
Mostly As
You’re not “coming out” so much as just cumming - you’ve been rawdogging the bestie back home for a while now, and it’s not too long until your parents walk in on it. You’re just practising for wrestling team tryouts. Naked. While drenched in lube and screaming. We’ve all been there.
Mostly Bs
Confrontation scares you, so you’re going to just bite the bullet. Time to drunkenly order UberEats to a crowded party under the name “THIS IS MY COMING OUT. I’M GAY AS SHIT” or similar. It’ll go down great, as long as the delivery guy manages to track down the toilet you’re currently puking in. Werk.
Mostly Cs
You love being the centre of attention and, since everyone’s got their eye on you already, you may as well tease it out. Keep them wanting more by slowly leaving subliminal queer messages in your wake. An obscure RuPaul quote here, a cuffed pant leg there. A mysterious location pin on your socials that leads to a coded message which – when deciphered using the morse-code cumstains on your sheets – leads to a QR code to your coming-out manifesto. Classy.
Mostly Ds
You’re a bit out there, with a flair for the dramatic. You fake your own death, and just as everyone you’ve ever met is sobbing at your funeral, you erupt from the coffin in a burst of pride-themed confetti, as Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ erupts from speakers hidden on your person. This is your rebirth.
Mostly Es
Honey, you don’t have to. Everyone knew waaaay before you did. We’re so proud of you, though, it's hard coming out as something we all knew anyway. You all get a big consensual kiss from us, but you get the biggest! Here is $5 for you to go see a movie. We know it doesn’t cover the cost of the film, but we still want to be supportive parents.