My caffeine addiction only became a problem once I discovered Kahlua.
There's something special about combining your vices, and the advent of Kahlua's coffee liqueur was a game changer. I'm multitasking stimulants and depressants like some kind of corporate wizard. If only there was a way to jam nicotine into this thing.
You should never drink Kahlua straight; it’s sickly and sweet and viscous like a tar pit. If you do drink it straight, you’re operating at the same capacity as a fly. Instead, it should be added to almost every other aspect of your life as a “situation enhancer”. All the sudden my morning coffee tastes a lot more coffee-ish, everyone at work finds my nuanced takes particularly interesting, and I’m pretty sure Karen at reception is warming to my advances. Barely anybody knows I’m shitfaced because I still wear a mask everywhere.
Kahlua was my first foray into “hard” liquor. Up until the age of 11 I had only ever had a sip of Dad’s beer or a shandy, and on that Christmas my cousins decided to mix me a White Russian. And that was it, my mammalian reward system forever tuned to a milk-based cocktail. Christmas took on a very different kind of excitement for the years to come: it meant sneaking booze in the form of coffee liqueur. The one and only time I got caught boozing was when my dad found a bottle of Kahlua tucked behind a set of drawers. I think he was more disappointed to see that it was fucking Kahlua and not a bottle of something more respectable.
The White Russian is an incredibly humble cocktail of Kahlua, vodka, and cream, however I like to omit the cream for milk and subsequently drink two litres of dairy in a night. It tastes akin to ice cream soup, and is the perfect transitionary cocktail between rum and coke, and creme de menthe. Black Russians are the “eww you drink milk” community’s answer to Kahlua consumption. It leaves out the dairy, or swaps it out for Coke. Coffee and Coke: I will never understand it. This combination is Coke’s last ditch effort to eviscerate sleep forever.
Kahlua is cheap and versatile. It is a must for any budding bar. Even if you don't like it, I'm sure your kids will.
Tasting notes: Covfefe.
Chugability: 1/10. Ain't no espresso.
Hangover depression level: 5/10. A little "coffee" won't hurt.
Overall: 8/10. The Dude abides.