Picture this: you’ve been riding the bender-coaster that is Flo and O-Week, you roll out of your bed on the wrong side of midday, and in a rare sober moment for you (or any student), you realise that your flat is a tip. A bombsite, even. Sure, you rush around and do your laundry, but the carpet is straight-up manky. Crumbs not far off the size of golfballs litter the already stained surface. All you wish for is a vacuum, and eventually you find one in the most deranged fucking place. You turn it on in your optimistic fervour, but shit’s more clogged than your lungs after two years at uni. It doesn’t suck (not relatable), and when you turn it on it makes the flat smell like a mix of vomit, unwashed ass, and playdough. First, bask in the aroma. Next, grow up and read on.
1. Pull that filter off
The filter looks like a little vent on the back with a small tab. Pull that out, and go outside and smack it against your fence or the corner of your flat till dust stops coming out of it. Leave the filter off for now – you aren't finished yet (unless you’re asthmatic).
2. Pull off the chamber and clean it out
Assuming you have a bagless vacuum (if bagged, go back to the retirement home), take that bad mf off and open the flap – ideally over a bin. It will be ugly. Start scooping all that shit out with your grubby mitts, a wad of tape, or lint roller if you’re better than me.
3. Check in the body of the vac, too
You can check the body once you’ve removed the chamber. There should be a hole or two – stick a finger in both to make sure there is no debris in there. Or just ‘cos you can.
4. Hair is the enemy
Ensure you remove all tangles of long hair as you go. Check the bottom wheels and brush of the vacuum and pull out all the lint and hairballs. Consider taxing the mulleted upon entering your house.
5. Clean the hose
The hose should come off, but if it doesn’t then don’t force it. Try to hold it straight, then shine a light through it (phone torches work well). If you can see a blockage, try to get it out – poke at it with something long, or give it a wash then let dry if particularly smelly.
6. Put it back together and test it out
Slap that bad boy back together. Don’t forget to put the filter back on. Turn it on and run it. It should be heaps louder, but less whiny. If so, good job! However, if there’s a pitch shift in the sound, go through the above steps again until it stops.
7. Vacuum the flat, you filthy animal
You cleaned the vac, so that should disqualify you from being the one to vacuum. Show flatmates this as proof if needed.
8. Finally, look after the damned thing
Vacuums are expensive, and always fuck out at the worst time. Just don’t be an idiot with it, and definitely use it to suck up vomit. Also, please don’t fuck it.