Columns

After settling down to nurse their heads after O-Week, the Scarfies are now back in the game. In a highly exciting turn of events, a Dunedin flatwarming was shut down recently, for reasons we shall hopefully glean from TV in a couple of months. That’s right, Police 10/7 visited the student ghetto. Speculation is rampant as to what the flat in question was doing to merit such glamorous attention, but Critic’s money is on burning things.

We’re hoping these troublemakers aren’t the same crew that won the Speights competition, because if so they’re hogging all the media attention. This lucky flat won a $1500 bar tab and the chance to fly in five friends for dinner at the Brewery. We’re sure they’re very grateful to be given this opportunity to forgive and forget, because apparently they’ve been “eyebrowsing” each other a little too much.

For those who don’t know, “eyebrowsing” is a great trick you can pull after someone says they’ll do something without meaning it. For example, if your flattie nonchalantly mentions how they’re so angry they’re going to take a shit in someone’s room, you can triumphantly scream “eyebrows!”. This means they either have to do it, or have an eyebrow shaved off. This is pretty much what happened in the Speights flat, when an out-of-towner was eyebrowsed into taking a dump in one of the flatmate’s rooms. The victimised flattie was then “tricked” into shitting in everyone else’s rooms, presumably because after the first time it was still pretty hilarious. For the record this is the same guy who shat in that girl’s room in UniCol last year. He has a problem.

Speaking of problems, several flats have been the recipients of diagnosis from their new med student flatties keen to impart their wisdom. One common theme is budding doctors diagnosing the majority of their flatmates with alcohol dependency. Indeed one guy, after finding out he’d scored 36/40 on the test, truimphantly screamed “I almost won!”. Another flat found that they were riddled with substance dependence, binge-eating problems and even a case of hypersexuality disorder.

Such is the extent of the degeneracy in the ghetto that alcohol abuse has even spread to the animal kingdom. In one flat the pet mouse somehow got drunk, and was subsequently foumd dead. The flatties then barbequed the rodent and spread its ashes on the wall. Why not?

Moving away from the booze and into the bedroom, a couple over at UniCol have had a shower sex-tape made of them. Their parents will be so proud when they see it on YouPorn.