The questions I have been pondering this week are: To what extent is desire political? And what are the ethics of proclaiming desire? I am thinking about this with reference to online dating in particular, which is a super common way for queer folks to meet. It has been a while since I have forayed into Internet dating and unlike loads of people who write about it, I don’t want to hate on online loving. I actually think dating sites can be awesome ways to find hook-ups, friendship and love.
What does concern me are my observations and experiences of prejudice on gay dating sites. The sad reality is that within the queer* community we often repeat the mistakes of our hetero cousins: Body and gender policing, ageism and racism to name a few. This issue has been prominent in the gay community in particular over the last year, partly due to a new blog (Douchebags of Grindr) that names and shames individual faggz on their prejudiced shit online. I am reluctant to proliferate this stuff, but it is important to know what we are talking about:
“I’ve blocked more Asians than the Great Wall of China.”
“Not into femmes, fatties and furballs.”
“Vanilla and spice, no chocolate and rice.”
From my perspective desire (and proclamations of desire) have political consequences and ethical obligations. Lots of us begin dating with narrow notions of who we’re into and who we’re not. Many of us find that these change over our lifetimes. Sometimes we need to do some personal work to better understand and question these prejudices.
Basically babes, that means that it is not cool online (or anywhere else) to proclaim your preference to only fuck the skinny butches of the Aryan race. If you find yourself choosing sexual partners of a certain background, perhaps you could treat this as an invitation to ask yourself why. Where have your ideas about who is hot/not come from? Do they stand up to scrutiny?
For those of you who are happy to keep on excluding people based on narrow criteria like cultural background, age or body shape – you should know that a lot of us find prejudice incredibly unattractive.
Finally, in an exercise in positive discrimination: To old fat femme Asians – I think you are super hot. Feel free to sashay your pepper haired, limp-wristed, chub self over and flirt up a storm with me. Also feel free to send me sexy pics or free stuff to dameladida@gmail.com
<3 La Di Da
Straight Up | Issue 7
Old, fat, femme, Asian.
