Columns

Again, we found ourselves around the dinner table. This time, Nina was treating us to spaghetti carbonara and hearty servings of wine and gossip.

I noticed Shane seemed a bit preoccupied with his crotch. Every few minutes his hand would venture down there, then he’d make a quick visit to the bathroom.

I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Nina flicked me a look which i’m pretty sure meant “Herpes?”, and Louise was getting ever more frustrated. She finally turned to Nina to explain what was up.

“So,” Louise began hesitantly, “have you ever, um, broken a man’s penis?”

I shot a shocked look at Shane, who looked both embarrassed and in serious pain. At this point I wasn’t sure whether the pain was due to his broken manhood or the mere concept of his broken manhood.

Louise responded to Nina’s confused stare with an elaborate story about how the previous night she was really turned on, but Shane was busy with Critic and uni work. Louise’s desperation finally got the better of her, and she jumped Shane on his return from class the night before. Louise was keen for a night of hardcore but, much to her disappointment, could only get Shane to agree to a quickie.

“Shane mentioned he had noticed blood, but we thought it was from my period. It wasn’t until we were finished that we realised the blood was inside the condom, not out.”

Nina burst out into drunken giggles, soon followed by Louise, who couldn’t contain her amusement at her boyfriend’s ripped member.

Shane promptly stormed out, so I turned to Louise and exclaimed, “What did you do to him?!”

“His foreskin just ripped a little. It’ll heal fine, I’m sure.”

“How much did you rip, dude?!” I yelled towards the bathroom.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Shane screamed as his voice jumped up a couple of octaves.

“Oh Shane! Hunny! It’s not too bad. Maybe it’ll scar, and you can boast that it’s a war wound!!” said Louise.

She turned to Nina and sighed. “He’s really sensitive about it.”

I was wondering quite how Louise could expect Shane not to be sensitive about it. She broke his PENIS! It takes the term “broken man” to a whole new level.

“Is it possible he didn’t lube you up enough?” Nina asked Louise. “I mean, did he even manage to cum?”

“He said he did, but there was so much blood I couldn’t really tell,” Louise shrugged, unconcerned.

All I could do was hope Shane was okay. I couldn’t imagine anything more embarrassing then a condom full of spunky blood, but I wasn’t about to storm into the bathroom with a Band-Aid either.