Columns

The plan for this week was to do a sex position review and details of how I got a blowjob in Bill English’s bathroom, but Joe’s dictatorial order that every measly word of this week had to researched and written from within the Critic office would have made at least the position review mega awkward. As much as we like to bare all for literature in our mansion on the hill, we didn’t want to punish Howie’s innocent eyes with another dose of graphic nudity.

So instead, Sex at the Dinner Table is turning into Sex at Otago Uni.

In the haze of exhausted feature writers, pizza, and Red Bull, pretty much everyone in the office was willing to share their stories.

There was general acceptance that during the day the best place would be the group study rooms in one of the many libraries around campus. What about the windows you say? No problem! Simply put up an “occupied” sign and move around the tables and chairs to create a love nest in the corner. Hey presto, coitus achieved! One notable political reporter did confess to having to stop the lifts in Richardson for a cheeky tug with the gf, although group consensus was that he didn’t have to stop the lift. Instead, he just finished between floors two and seven.

In contrast to the relative ease of banging during the day, the group agreed that at night the true problem emerges, with closed libraries and lifts not running. What is a good scarfie to do when you pull a hot dude/chick in Monkey, and have no intentions of showing them where you live, but have an itch that only a drunk stranger can scratch?

In terms of foliage, we are truly blessed with many trees and bushes around the river that offer plenty of privacy and opportunity for those who are keen on a short trek and don’t mind the mud. A near-perfect solution if one is sober enough to avoid falling into the Leith, but drunk enough not to notice the cold. Then there’s the 24-hour computer labs in Arts/Burns, but more often than not they are full of insomniac Health Scis panicking about BIOC192.

It was Joe who reminded us that those lucky enough to be doing Commerce have 24-hour access to various parts of the Commerce building. Perfect! All those random rooms on the 2nd and 3rd floors, plus closets, toilets, and stairwells galore! For the adventurous student with space issues, it almost makes taking BSNS106 for the third time worthwhile. Seriously – amortising the $600 cost of the paper over the year is just over $10 a week for a safe shagging spot.