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The flat was empty last Friday, as my other flatmates both decided to go away for the weekend. My vagina and I were left alone for some quality time. However, after some serious sexual pondering, I started to think less about the practical and more about the theory of what it takes to pleasure a girl, and the terrible guidance of Year 9 Health class that led to five years of doing it wrong.

Unlike the pubescent boys who watched male-centric porn on Redtube, I think my misconception of how a girl can do herself was born from school rumours and inadequate teaching. I heard about a girl from a private school up the road who got herself off with carrots stolen from her parents’ fridge. There was another girl who placed her cellphone up her vagina at a party and asked people to call her. Cellphones aren’t just for communicating, obviously. Health class was no better — all we ever did was practice putting condoms on wooden blocks because the school supply of polystyrene penises had broken. Sex was made to sound like a chore. Orgasms sounded like death traps which inevitably led to underage pregnancy and echoing warnings from Admiral Ackbar. But never fear — after all these years I have finally found the clitoris, and you can too.

The clitoris is the primary means for a woman to achieve sexual pleasure, as the vagina itself has significantly fewer nerve endings. Ms Clitoris (I actually had a teacher with a very similar name in school) is located at the point where the labia (lips of the vagina) meet at the top of the vagina. Get stimulated and feel around for it. When a woman is sexually aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and the many condensed nerve endings become even more sensitive. Enough stimulation of the clitoris can result in an orgasm. Woo! For male readers, think of the clitoris as your penis’ equivalent in its capacity for sexual stimulation — that’s equality at its sexiest. Basically, if the woman’s clitoris is not getting (correctly) stimulated during sex, you’re probably not doing it right and that’s a case of being plain old misinformed. You don’t want to be like the fractional proportion of Americans who still think Mitt Romney is the fucking man, do you?

So in sifting through the top-rated clips on Redtube in search for answers about female orgasm, I didn’t quite find them. What I did find, however, was a world where extensive knowledge of the anatomy exists but for “social reasons” this girl cum-worthy information is still yet to be widely disseminated.