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Welcome to another year in our own little rat-infested corner of Paradise, where carpets are stained orange from the spilled Cindy’s of years past and itʼs best to just walk on by if you see a strange woman taking a poo on someone elseʼs car. As our sticky pavements begin to fill with hordes of pimply high-school nerds hoping to turn everything around in 2013, I thought I would kick off the year by helpfully pointing out all the ways in which they make themselves look like fucking idiots.

The worst example has to be the overly friendly/excited fresher, who insists on walking into everyoneʼs room and introducing themselves on the first day. They probably say “like” a lot. You can also spot them because they will get up early in the morning and go on trips to the Cadbury factory instead of staying in bed with a hangover like normal people. I canʼt tell if we have 1) no real reason at all or 2) every reason in the world for hating you, Overly Excited Fresher, but we just do. Stop being yourself.

Inevitably we will also all encounter a fucking idiot (or two) who has drunk way, way too much. Aforementioned nerds, take heed: getting trolleyed on the first night of O-Week and pooing yourselves in the shower will not make people like you. In Dunedin you never live down the “shit” that you do. It does not make you cool, it just makes you weird. Also, youʼve now ruined that shower cubicle for the entire floor. Please be embarrassed for yourself, and stop what youʼre doing.

Lastly, there is the once-popped-and-now-cannot-stop fresher. We understand why you are doing what you are doing, because sex is nice. The problem is not “what,” but “how.” Your mating habits are as dirty as those dance floors in the middle of which you grind. I feel like I could get chlamydia just from looking at you. Please, put your boobies away and keep your hands where others can see them. Just because youʼre a Big Kid Now does not mean you can completely throw away decorum. Suggestion: donʼt do it in the Monkey Bar toilets. And maybe talk to each other first.

Avoid these three things and you will be fine. Just remember that the people around you are only pretending to be grown up – actually theyʼre just as underdeveloped and uncool as you are. This is going to be a very good year for you, so donʼt fuck it up.