Columns

This week, whilst waiting in the depressingly long Uniprint line, I had the misfortune of overhearing a conversation between two self-professed “buzzy cunts” as they loudly tried to outdo each other with stories of their drug-fuelled escapades from the weekend. The thing that struck me about these two was that they seemed so proud of themselves. I couldn’t understand why, because they were obviously both fucking retarded.

There seems to be a rife misconception that talking about how many drugs you do makes you badass. Actually, it makes you the opposite of badass. The reason that badasses are so badass is because they do all this badass shit without ever seeming to realise how badass they actually are. That’s why Bruce Willis walks away from all those explosions and that all-round badassery without even batting an eye.

People who try to brag about how many drugs they do, don’t look badass. They look like idiots. You don’t deserve to have an awesome drug-fucked night if you think that the fact that you did makes you somehow a better person that everyone else. Bruce Willis never goes home and tells everyone about how many baddies he killed that day.

The mere fact that people think doing drugs gives them bragging rights is evidence of the fact that they shouldn’t be doing drugs at all. This is because they have obviously misunderstood a fundamental concept: drugs don’t make you cool.

Think of people on a bad trip: they are twitchy, anxious, and more often than not, they will probably piss themselves (think Mel Gibson, that time in the airport). Also, they are usually fucking annoying to hang out with. Those people in the “after” photos from the “Meth, Not Even Once” campaign don’t seem very cool either.

As Charlie Sheen would probably tell us, drugs are fucking awesome. But as Lindsay Lohan most definitely shows us, drugs don’t make you fucking awesome. People seem to think that they can take a pill or smoke a bong and suddenly become much cooler, deeper, more interesting and more fun. This isn’t true – so why the fuck are they going around talking about doing drugs as if it makes them hot shit?

People won’t respect you just because you hold rainbow cards and regularly green out on the couch. This is Dunedin, it’s as easy to score an ounce as it is to score a pash at Metro. We can buy kava from sausage sizzles that pop up on street corners at midnight. What the fuck are all you “buzzy cunts” so fucking proud of?