Akon
After my flat mates gave me a much-needed two-hour run down of what and what not to say to the mystery date, I was left rather confused. I had to take their word as they were all more experienced in the art of wooing the opposite sex than I was, but they had pretty much just told me to say nothing about myself, what I’m like, my past exploits and told me nothing that I should say. I dwelled on the advice all the way to the bar, where I was greeted by a very sensually lit little establishment but no date. So I took a seat and an eager beer.I was not nearly as drunk as I would have liked to be coming in, as my flat mates had kept me under strict drinking surveillance leading up to the date; they knew how I usually deal with the prospect of courtship. Nervous conversation with the bar staff got me through the first 15 minutes of waiting, but over the next 15 I was with myself, imagining what could be taking this mystery woman so long.
40 minutes past my own time of arrival, I began coming to terms with the fact that she was not coming. This realisation was a mixture of both relief and disappointment, so I inquired if I was still allowed to solely work my way through the bar tab. After such a confirmation, I preceded to text my flat mates and tell them the good news and invite them down for a hoon on my broken-hearted bar tab. They arrived to find hardly enough left for them to have a drink each and me talking shit to the bar staff. So I had one more round, toasting to the on-going life of a bachelor and took my lonely heart home.
To my ever-elusive true love out there, you hurt me more than you will ever know.
Cheers to Critic and Di Lusso for the drinks, though!!!
"Em J
Let’s get it out of the way: i didn’t have sex. well, not as a result of Critic, at least, because I couldn’t be fucked showing up.My hands were so wet from exertion that when I tried texting Critic to bullshit to them that something had happened my phone flew, nay, exploded from my hand, shattering on the ground beside the gym equipment. What a stark example that this wasn’t going to happen. Sorry, mystery date, but before I commit to someone else, I need to commit to getting my shit sorted.
Back in my room, I did have second thoughts as I picked up Critic. The date I turned to was the “genetically gifted” couple from the voting issue. Some good, hard sex would have been great after all, but I was already half an hour late and in no state to turn up. I went to turn to Tinder but my phone was fucked from before. Fuck.
Grabbing my purple friend from the bedside table I eased in to some epic, erotic Sailor Moon before falling asleep.
I’m really struggling to hit my target word count. That was all that happened. I even missed dinner.