Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Di Lusso, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox.
If this sounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name.
And that won’t end well for you.
Troy
Law kid who has decent train chat and likes cups of tea. Sounds like Thomas the Tank Engine.
After quite a few nervous beers and the calming words of my flatmates telling me not to fuck it up I headed down to Macs bar to meet my date.
After getting their fashionably early and helping myself to a couple of drinks on the bar tab, my date showed up looking great. After the classic awkward introductions, I discovered that my date and I were in the same course even though I don’t think I had ever seen her. We had plenty to talk about. After quite a few drinks, the conversation was flowing well and once a bit of shameless law banter was out of the way, I stood up and realised just how drunk I was. Fortunately for me my date was taking no prisoners on the wines and when she stumbled off to the loo the owner of the bar came over and wisely told me told me he thought our love was a sure thing.
We decide to leave and go for a bit of a walk, and we ended up walking all around the waterfront in the freezing cold. After my top notch chat about the train station went down a treat, I knew that I had sussed it, so we started to head back toward the clubs and the cheeky grind. On the way, we stumbled across the Tongan student clubs social and after going in and getting a few funny looks, we headed to boogie. It was pretty late and the line was huge so we decided instead we should just cruise home.
After deciding to be the gentlemen and walking her home, the deal was sealed when she asked me in for a ‘cup of tea’. Safe to say that the cup of tea was not the only thing that kept us warm that night. In the morning I woke up to her flatmates in the room asking me how the night was, and I decided to gap it pretty quick afterwards.
Cheers Critic for the great night and complete stitch up with someone I get to see every day at uni.
Gabriella
She supports High School Musical 3, non-budget bread, and prawn heads. A confused law kid.
Our story begins on a quiet Saturday night, as I happily minded my own business, mentally preparing myself for a rousing night of study. Tables turned when my flatmate pulled her red card. An hour later, showered and funneled up, I was ushered towards a cute boy and handed a wine list.
I was tipsy and flustered, to say the least. I’d like to thank him for taking my high paced babbling in his stride, and forgiving my tendency to repeat myself on multiple occasions. We immediately established our mutual degree and mutual inability to handle large amounts of either alcohol or spice. The similarities began to mount up, prompting a drunken text to the flatties: “kind of me in a boy.” At the risk of sounding too cool, I started to feel optimistic when we had an energetic debate on the merits of High School Musical 3.
After rediscovering the delights of actual, non-budget bread, polishing off the bar tab, and accidentally eating parts of a prawn I don’t think you’re meant to, we ventured out into the streets.
At this point my memory becomes distinctly hazy. After a long and leisurely stroll in the cold, we ended up mildly lost and drunk. After eventually making it home, I invited him in for a cup of tea because we were both pretty goddamn cold. I ended up shamelessly exploiting him for his body heat as he stayed over for a wee snuggle.
All in all, he was a great person who taught me a lot about the mechanics of a well-executed “grind,” even though he has designated “eating hours” and slept in jeans, both of which I am morally opposed to.
We discussed the possibility of inventing a rendezvous involving international flights and Emma Watson but I now doubt whether we are worthy. Either way, this lil PG 13 date was a great time, and my flatmate is feeling smug at her successful red card. Fellow law students, look out for some supreme ‘sup’ nodding come Monday morning.
Thanks Critic!