Critic’s infamous blind-date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mis-matched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Dog With Two Tails, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this svounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned —if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
Tim
I'd completely forgotten that I applied for the Blind Date last year, but I agreed to drinks and a meal on Critic’s dime because I hate to disappoint strangers.
I was a nervous wreck by the time I arrived 20 minutes late (smooth) and feeling the most sober I’d been in my entire life. The smirking bar staff pointed me in the direction of my date and she was gorgeous; a cute wee fringe, big green eyes, beautiful smile, and adorable glasses - you know the look. She was exactly my type.
Once profuse apologies and awkward introductions were done, we sat outside while I tried to put as many pints into me in quick succession as humanly possible without looking like I had a problem.
I couldn’t help feeling like I knew her from somewhere but struggled to put my finger on it. She brushed it off and blushed. Cute.
We covered the conversation basics like religion, politics, music, and shit lecturers. We also agreed that while the food on offer looked great, our time was better spent swilling vino and staring into each other’s eyes so the staff let us turn the rest of the tab into more drinks (the real MVPs here).
After we developed a fair head of steam, the Q&A became increasingly liberal and got very spicy. Throwing caution to the wind with a big bit of “eh fuck it” I asked her if she felt about some Netflix and chill. She smiled and winked. It was game, set, and match.
Not one to kiss and tell, I can disclose that we enjoyed some aggressive adult naptime with the old horizontal greased-weasel tango. The next day we called in sick to work to spend the day together. A+ experience! Thanks Critic and Dog With Two Tails for giving this dog a bone.
Laura
Welll this was the last thing I expected to do on my Wednesday Night but when I got the call up last minute I thought hell, why not.
I waltzed down the road a nice 10 minutes late but ended up being the first one there. The lovely waitress showed me to the reserved table which was awkwardly placed right in front of the bar.
I sat there waiting, checking out every dude who walked through the door… lo and behold my uni crush walks through the door and to the bar where he then walks straight towards me. What are the chances? I’m thanking my lucky stars for putting this gorgeous specimen in front of me. We all have them, that kid you always see around campus that you go to class and fantasize about but never ever think you will actually meet. This was my uni crush.
After a rather awkward introduction, we both decided to move to outdoor seating where we had less of an audience. I learned that he had come straight from work and was rather thirsty so after a couple of Emerson’s he charmed the waitress into letting us spend most of our food tab on booze as well. Slightly regretting my pre-gaming I slurred my way through some small chat and we soon became aware of having a number of mutual friends.... turns out I know his best friend, um a little too well. My summer fling and uni crush are best friends. Luckily for my va-jay-jay they don’t live together. After demolishing far too many wines we decided to make a move, next thing you know we’re at his swanky apartment doing things I wouldn’t dare share. His friend was a distant memory.
After all my years of fantasizing, it was just as great as I’d imagined and let’s just say I think we may live happily ever after.
Thanks Critic and Dog with Two Tails for making dreams come true.