Each week, we lure two singletons to The Captain Cook Hotel, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned--if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
Melania
During this date, not only was I battling with the fact my masters report is due next week, I was plagued with the dilemma of whether or not to reveal that I’m a freak in the sheets. I’d need a fair bit of convincing, seeing as I turned up stone cold sober. Lads love a challenge right? Valentine’s Day, what a treat. I watched other couples wander into town, questioned my own sanity, then jumped on the bandwagon.
As I got closer to the Cook, I saw, in the distance, a seemingly handsome man jump out of his mate’s car and head inside. Maybe I’ll be in luck. Getting closer still, I passed the car that was stopped at the lights and smiled at the two dudes inside. They grinned back – it must have been him!
Upon arriving at the booth, I see my prayers for tall, dark and handsome have been answered. He rose to greet me with a kiss on the cheek and I noticed his tā moko peeking out from under his shirt. Critic, you provided. I learn that my date is about to start post-grad after a gap year and a three-year undergrad. Phew, he isn’t too young! I reluctantly admit I’m at the start of my sixth year, he doesn’t seem fazed by this at all and in fact later proclaims he thinks can teach me a thing or two.
The conversation over dinner and drinks was polite and pretty standard covering topics like our interests, family and travels. Nothing life changing or deep. After dinner and our third drink, the atmosphere in the booth heated up. We decided to head into town to continue the fun.
We got to town and it was pretty quiet, but that didn’t bother us. Sitting outside Mac’s Bar we shared a Valentine’s Day kiss over our bright pink cocktails. Much to my delight my date was a great pash. Gets me every time.
After necking another cocktail, we walked back to his and finished the night with a chat to the flatmate, a cheeky dry hump and a spoon. Just what this old gal needed. In the morning, I declined a ride to my car and took one last stride of pride through the streets of North Dunedin.
Donald
In the infinite wisdom that comes from spending hours scrolling memes instead of spending time with a bae on Valentine’s Day, I decided to chuck my name in the fray for the Critic Blind Date when they asked for a guy who’s into gals. Sounded like a bit of me, next thing I know I’m sitting in The Cook fresher than a 17 year old just setting up at Arana. In walks a nice looking girl wearing a pretty buzzy dress that was apparently bought in my beloved Thailand. The chat started as per usual with the “what do you study? Any hobbies? Where are you from?” I wanna say it flowed like 3 Speight’s in a funnel on a hot Sundee but I’d say due to both of us leaning on the sober side earlier on, it took a while to get things going. But after a meal of salmon which I savoured seeing as I’ll never be able to afford that again, we got into it. I decided to hit a couply bitch cocktails which went down like your mates recently divorced Mum on her GP. Eventually we packed up and moved on to Mac’s, welcomed by the bro who hooked us up with a few V Day cocktails. These were a treat with the date, would recommend ordering a Gummy Bear cocktail for those of you wishing to get intimate with a date. After a few cheeky hook ups at Brew Bar, we made our way home arm in arm to mine and into the bedroom. Unfortunately this is where things went further South than the last US Presidential election. In trying excessively hard to not be forceful or pushy or whatever, I asked if she wanted to stay, got a yes, but she accepted the offer of cuddles, so when my hands started to wander, a bit of tom-foolery was as far as things got. Apologies to those hoping for a 50 Shades side story but trust me, you’re not as disappointed as I was. The next morning she left and honestly I have no clue if I’ll ever see or hear from her again. No love lost nor found on V Day for this chap, but chairs Critic for a nice night with a lovely lass.