According to the nice lady at Leith Liquor, we’re getting into the colder months and whisky can make a great winter warmer. So I took her advice and bought the cheapest bottle in the store.
Burn Mackenzie is a great winter warmer in the same way that a house fire is a great way to heat your flat. It fucking hurts. It burns like a hot stove, a can of paint thinner, and the look of disappointment in my father’s eyes.
As is traditional with a $36 bottle of scotch, I drank it hot and out of plastic cups. There’s something satisfyingly sadistic about that sad scene, symbolic of the self-sabotaging symbiotic relationship I have with the drink.
When I drank that scorching liquor, it felt cleansing. Like all the darkness inside of me would be destroyed by the horrible poison going down my throat.
What Burn Mackenzie lacks in taste, it makes up for in a fuckton of standard drinks. Eventually I gave in and mixed it with L&P, which enabled me to kill way more brain cells in way less time.
A night on Burn MacKenzie will put you through a number of emotional stages. You’ll begin with a sense of dread. That first sip will scare you, because it’s horrible and you know you have a whole litre in your bag. Then comes despair. As you start your third glass you wonder where you went wrong in life to end up here. Then comes acceptance, which is freeing in a perverse way. You realise that you’ve come this far and it’s gonna happen anyway, so you may as well get on board with everything. Once you’ve reached this point, everything can be quite fun. You have a laugh with yourself about it all and it’s almost like you’re drinking brown-coloured hand sanitiser ironically. Then you get really drunk, throw up a couple times, annoy your friends, eat some garlic bread, throw it up again, and pass out with a big goofy smile on your face.
Burn Mackenzie will tear your insides apart, cause you great physical and emotional pain, and completely ruin your sexual performance. But because it only costs $36, it gets a thumbs up from me.
Dollars/Standard: $1.12
Taste Rating: 3/10
Froth Level: Shooting fireballs from your eyes and bolts of lightning from your ass
Tasting notes: Hints of pineapple, oak, linseed, and regret
Pairs well with: Steak. But not a good steak. This doesn’t deserve to be on the same table as any food that actually tastes good.