Report: Most Snapchat Group Snaps Are Just Hungover Dudes Talking About How Hungover They Are

According to figures released by Snap Inc, upwards of 80% of male Snapchat group conversations are just dudes lying in bed dying of alcohol poisoning the night after they all got drunk together. Among the most common captions were “one massive pile of dust,” “fuck that was a big one lads,” and “I hate myself”. No information was provided on female group snaps because women are a mystery these men will never solve.

Student Pretends to Consider Buying Free Range Eggs

On a recent trip to Gardens New World, second year surveying student and first time flatter Rachel Williams was seen peering very intently at a selection of free range eggs, perhaps weighing up in her mind which of the highly priced brands she would prefer. Onlooking shoppers reported that they were “impressed with”  and “in awe of” her apparent dedication to ethical consumption. Williams was later seen at the self-checkout with two 12-packs of mixed-grade Value caged eggs.

Woman Checks Word Count After Going to Toilet Just in Case Her Essay Is Writing Itself

After a heavy procrastination binge that involved reading an article about the Syrian Civil War and going to the toilet even though she didn’t need to, a second year History major has returned to her computer only to find that her essay has not, in fact, been writing itself. “I can’t deny, I was hopeful,” she said, gazing at her disappointing 86 words, before returning to a personality quiz. “Maybe finding out which Game of Thrones character I am will write my essay for me.”

“I Listen to Kendrick Lamar, I Can’t Be Racist,” Reassures White Man Who Just Used the N-Word

Second year accounting student Kenneth Wilster has cited his musical prefrences as justification for using a racial slur. “I know plenty of n______,” Wilster asserted, despite a Tribune investigation concluding that he unequivically does not. “My boys go way back, blood brothers,” he said, going on to add “you know what I mean,” despite no one present having any idea what he meant. Wilster went on to cite his upbringing on the tough streets of Timaru as evidence of his affinity with “the struggle”.