Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid atherosclerosis.
“I’ve started writing on the vouchers, in my own blood, ‘Take this note and keep walking. Don’t look back, they’re watching. Please help me for the love of God, I haven’t held my children in three years.’ I’ve been standing here for two weeks and not one person has taken a voucher,” Manducare told the Tribune, who promptly forgot about his plight after using a voucher to order some Domino’s.
At the time of press Manducare has taken to surreptitiously rattling the chain that shackles him to a nearby traffic light when people walk past. So far no one has noticed.