Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

You’ve done a lot of personal growth over the summer, and renegotiated a lot of relationships. Remember to not beat yourself up about the past. 

New Year's resolution: setting personal boundaries and not falling back into toxic patterns

 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Keep gaslighting, gatekeeping and girl bossing. Take absolutely no shit from anyone this year besties, you’ve tolerated enough. 

New Year's resolution: don’t wind yourself up over nothing 

 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

According to the stars this year is looking good for you financially and emotionally. Invest in crypto, and get your sneaky link to fall in love with you. 

New Year's resolution: focusing on your stonks 

 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

There truly is something about the temper of a Taurus. Shut the fuck up. You sound like a boomer who doesn’t understand the housing crisis. 

New Year's resolution: having empathy 

 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Geminis are perhaps the most fascinating phenomenon. You’re either everyone’s best mate who is full of generosity or a complete fucking psychopath. It’s always fun to keep people guessing! 

New Year's resolution: being completely and unapologetically unhinged 

 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

Sometimes, self reflection is required in order to move forward. Buy a mirror.

New Year's resolution: stop over-exaggerating every minor inconvenience 

 

Leo

July - Aug 22

Leos, every time I have to write your horoscope I think the exact same thing. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Don’t buy that car.

New Year's resolution: stop using every situation as a photo-op 

 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s been a rough past year for you in terms of love and relationships. Stop seeking out love, and let it come to you. Instead, seek out drugs and alcohol. 

New Year's resolution: non-stop party rocking 

 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

Choose chaos, never peace. Also you’ll start craving roasted corn on pizza.

New Year's resolution: decrease your alcohol tolerance 

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

My dearest Scorpio. Please, please do not fall in love with your O-Week romance. Overestimating your place in other people's lives will only lead to more hurt. 

New Year's resolutions: practice detachment from others

 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

The only thing you’ve tested positive for is being a bad bitch, baby! Keep it up.

New Year's resolutions: acknowledging when your social battery needs a rest 

 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

It’s about drive, it’s about power, we stay hungry, we devour. You need to buy more popcorn and lay off the takeaways.

New Year's resolutions: learning the balance between working hard and playing hard