For those unaware, the last time Critic had a chat with Ōtepoti’s famous gay ducks it ended with a show of epic proportions and an unexpected pregnancy. So, another tabloid issue and another year later, Critic launched a check-in with our favourite dysfunctional queer quackers.
Still collecting the pieces of his broken heart, Bill Billsbury was a tough one to quack down. After the devastating betrayal of Billington’s love child and affair, there was only one option: a Soundcloud mixtape release. Tragically, his song “Rolling in the Leith” was an obvious knock off of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”, and the fierce legal battle that followed cast a shadow over Bill’s promising music career. The case also shed light on his unfortunate habit of stealing vapes from U-Bar by snapping at breathers’ ankles and sucking the juice. Totally-legally-obtained court documents show Billsbury’s rock solid defence: “C’mon, no harm no fowl! I’m just a little guy!!”
Although Billsbury won under the protection of parody, Adele swore revenge and the $80,000 legal fees owed to his lawyer meant Billsbury went dark. His lawyer responded for comment: “I’ve been eating foie gras for dinner every night. That bitch better watch his back.” Momentarily stumped, it seemed no one had heard from Bill – not other campus ducks, not his debt collector, and not the many fans awaiting a follow up to “Rolling in the Leith”. That was, until Critic spoke to a source going by Quackie Chan. “Yeah, I mean. I shouldn’t be quacking about anything. I have ducklings, you know. But Bill still owes me over two pounds of breadcrumbs, so what the hell. I heard he went dark to escape the bill collector. To a place nobody wants to go, with little understanding of the modern world.” This was confusing, as Critic had scoured the Richardson building and found not a single feather. “No, dumbass. Bill’s in Gloriavale. Guess he thought no one would look for him there.” Some ducks migrate east, some hide in plain sight and unflattering clothes.
Billsbury did try to shoo Critic away on arrival, but after some persistent begging, he agreed to answer some questions off the record. Billsbury also told us to keep it down during questioning. “These guys don’t really know about my past. Or debt. Or anything about Billington. Gloriavale is not on any LGBTQ+ friendly travel list, that’s for sure. I just really needed a place to waddle under the radar, just till the heat dies down.” When asked if Billington had been in contact, Billsbury’s feathers were ruffled. “Why, does that cheating scum want to see me? Has he said something? Tell me what you know.” Critic then started to quiz Billsbury on his debt and music career, which was met with silence. After some glowering and threatening snapping towards our ankles, we left Billsbury to his pre-duck-ament in Gloriavale, vin-duck-ated by our discoveries.
Billington was much easier to track down, with fewer twists and turns in the year past than in his corkscrew cock. We would say fatherhood has mellowed the Mallard, but that would be a lie. Calling Billington a father would be like calling the dairy industry responsible. “Harlene should have known I wouldn’t have anything to do with the kid. Male ducks don’t really invest a lot into paternal care, any Zoology professor could have told her that.” Ear-nest-ly chatting to Critic, Billington revealed what he was up to now. “Honestly, just trying to focus on myself right now, really cruising. Taking time to get to know Billington. I never needed Billsbury anyway.” Getting to know himself apparently means charging $20 per feather on Facebook Marketplace and selling foot pics on OnlyFans, where he has an exclusive product. Billington also asked Critic to promote his Cameo page where anyone with $30 can get themselves a personalised shoutout – what better way to spend that student allowance bump? Billington can be found outside any flat that leaves free food and half empty vape pods in the yard for this enterprising entrepreneur to scavenge.
With one foot out the door though, Billington wistfully called out. “Like, how’s Billsbury? Is he good? Where’s he at? Heard he got in some legal trouble. Not that I care though.” Perhaps there’s still hope for these two lovebirds in the future, that is once Billsbury gets the duck out of Gloriavale.