Picture this: it’s late at night, and you’re tucked up in bed with your special someone. Maybe you’ve met up with your sneaky link to do the dirty deed, or you’ve pulled at a party. Maybe you’re one of those people who’s in a relationship, and have just come back from date night with your partner. You’re cuddling and kissing, and things are getting a little spicy. It’s only a matter of time before the fondling and fingering under the sheets is in full force. It’s hot, steamy and a little sweaty. Then, out comes life's most dreaded question:
“Did you cum?”
From here on out, the moment is ruined. You begin to feel all tense and uncomfortable. You can’t relax, and you start getting all up in your head, questioning everything, as surges of anxiety rush through your body. Even if you didn’t finish, you might lie and let out a reluctant “yeah,” because it’s easier than having to answer follow up questions as to why you didn’t. Or if you’re feeling brave, you just straight up say ‘no,’ or, “I was close” if you’re treading on the nicer side of things.
Now, look, I’m not here to try and make anyone feel bad, embarrassed or nervous about sex, especially to those of you who still may be new to navigating this world. But please, for the love of God himself, stop asking “did you cum?”. It makes things weird, awkward, anxious and frustrating. I understand it’s an honest question, and it usually comes from a good place of wanting to pleasure whoever you’re with. But you need to stop straight up asking “did you cum?”. And here’s why:
It’s a major turn off. According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, experiencing the big O is harder with a vagina than a dick. In our sexual encounters, we have fewer, less predictable and more varied orgasm experiences than penis-owners, meaning that there’s already enough pressure riding on the interaction. For most vag-owners, it takes us a while to relax or get comfortable in bed. Because of the inconsistency of our orgasms, it takes us a hot second to get out of our heads and into our bodies when it comes to being intimate, and asking “did you cum” causes us to immediately begin over thinking every movement and interaction from here on out. It also makes us feel rushed or pressured, further causing feelings of awkwardness, and sometimes just straight up infuriation.
“Asking if you came is like asking me if you finished your job, at work,” said Millie, who's been through this plenty of times. Also, not to sound like a dick, but you should know when someone finishes. Asking “did you cum?” is kind of like experiencing a major earthquake and then asking someone “did you feel that?” Like, no shit, Sherlock, I did. If you’ve done it right, there is no way you’ll feel the need to ask that question. You’ll feel the movement in someone’s legs, or their grip tighten on you, or moans and wails being let out. But if someone is just laying there, staring blankly, chances are they aren’t cumming any time soon. So pay attention to someone’s body language, because you can tell a lot from that. Instead of asking “did you cum?”, communicate in bed, ask your partner how they’re going, and how they feel. Make them feel comfortable enough to give you directions, or to lend a hand. If they have a vibrator, use it. Technology is your friend, not your foe. Creating a safe and comfortable environment is half the battle. Once you’ve achieved this, plus communication and the ability to listen to your partner, chances are they’ll be finishing, and you won’t be having to ask any stupid questions.
Also, giving anyone the big O requires some effort. Now look, I know that for some of you breathas, putting in a little effort and consideration might seem like a big ask considering your low standards and misogynistic tendencies. But if you don’t want it to get out that you’re a shit root, I suggest you take this advice. Rubbing someone's inner thigh for five minutes is not going to get them over the edge. Now look, this might not be entirely your fault. Perhaps you went to Catholic school and learnt about celibacy, or maybe you had a really shit biology teacher, but it often takes more than a measly rub or lick to make someone finish. Take your time, because sex is about both people enjoying themselves, not just one. Don’t rush anything or move on too quickly. Ask questions, provide comfort, and pick up a biology textbook so you can learn where the clit is. Practice on an orange, I don’t know, just put some fucking effort into it.
So there you have it. Please stop asking if we came. It’s weird, it’s awkward, it’s invasive, it ruins the moment, and honestly, if you have to ask, the answer is probably a “no”. Instead, focus on comfort and communication during the whole thing. You can thank me later.