What is the Rugby World Cup?
The Rugby World Cup (RWC) is a quadrennial meeting between the best countries in the world, i.e., the ones that play rugby. The coolest donnies, the blokes you’d happily invite over for your red card. 20 countries in total, each with mixed degrees of decency at rugby. Rugby has only had a world championship for 36 years, with the 2023 RWC being the 10th.
Who is the Rugby World Cup?
Ship came into harbour, carrying… the 20 teams of this year’s RWC. Let’s break it down. The Big Four are great, and have thus earned nicknames (very cool). They are Team New Zealand AKA the ‘All Blacks’, Team Australia is called the ‘Wallabies’, South Africa are the ‘Springboks’ and Argentina are ‘Los Pumas’. Notice how we refuse to name ourselves after a wild animal that shits and pisses? We’re better than that, and we know it.
Next up are the Try-hards: Ireland, Fiji, Japan, and England. Lots of potential, keep up the good work lads. Next group is France and France is shit. Sorry exchange students, suce ces noix. The remaining eleven countries are Italy, Uruguay, Wales, Tonga, Chile, Romania, Portugal, Samoa, Scotland, Georgia and Namibia. They’re certainly countries, and we’ll leave it at that.
And if that wasn't clear, here's every past RWC compared to the relevant Fast and Furious Movie, because that will help!
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Rugby World Cup
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Fast and Furious Movie
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1987 Half Host and Winner: NZ
A classic! |
The Fast and the Furious (2001)
A classic! |
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1991 Hosts: UK+Ireland+France,
Winner: Australia More exotic muscle than the first. |
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
More exotic muscle cars than the first. |
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1995 Host and Winner: South Africa
Best one out of the three! |
Tokyo Drift (2006)
Best one out of the three! |
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1999 Host: Wales, Winner: Aussie
Wildly boring. |
Fast & Furious (2009)
Wildly boring! |
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2003 Host: Aussie, Winner: England
Very cool and very based. The ‘Boks were forced to attend their training camp at gunpoint. This is when audiences knew the team would remain insane forever. (The ‘Boks came 5th, fast). |
Fast Five (2011)
Very cool and very based! La Familia are forced to steal a safe, and audiences knew the franchise would remain insane forever. |
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2007 Host: France, Winner: S. Africa Completely bullshit! The French threw the ball forward (stupid) and kicked NZ out of the tournament (bullshit).
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Fast & Furious 6 (2013)
Completely bullshit! The main villain flips cars over (stupid) and Letty is alive? (Bullshit) |
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2011 Host and Winner: New Zealand!
Now we’re cooking with gas! Heaps of mana! This is what we came to see! |
Furious 7 (2015)
Now we’re cooking with Nitrous Oxide! Heaps of money at the box office! This is what we came to see! |
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2015 Host: England, Winner: New Zealand
Absolute scenes! An underdog Japan destroyed a titan South Africa! What an upset! |
The Fate of the Furious (2017)
Absolute scenes! An underdog Dodge Charger destroys a titan Nuclear Submarine! What an upset! |
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2019 Host: Japan, Winner: S. Africa
So good, and yet so ludicrous. Not playing Ben Smith against England, what the fuck? |
F9 (2021)
So good, and yet so ludicrous. They took a car to space and crashed it into a satellite, what the fuck? |
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2023 Host: France
I don’t know how this one ends! Jason Momoa attended the first game |
Fast X (2023)
I don’t know how this one ends! (It’s a two parter) Jason Momoa attended the film |
Your gameplan:
Before the Game
Pregame chat is arguably the most important time to spin yarns and likely to be the easiest form of engagement as you don’t need to learn the rules. Obviously you’re going to back the AB’s publicly, but it is curiously acceptable to shit on key players and tactics. In this sense, an all-encompassing pessimism should define your manner as you calmly chat about how shit our coach Ian Foster (AKA Fozzie) is. A few details to note is that the All Blacks have won three World Cups, and if we don’t win this one, we risk letting the South Africans get to four. To this degree, there are three teams you can openly despise with complete safety: South Africa, Australia, and France for good measure (never forget the Rainbow Warrior).
Yarns to spit: “Fozzie out”, “Simply put, Dupont is unmatched”, “McKenzie needs a spot somewhere, Fozzie’s fucking useless.”
During
This is where it gets tricky but as a rule of thumb, silence is golden. If you’ve done enough pre-game chat, your mates will simply think they’ve caught you deep in intricate thought processes when they glance at you staring idly at the TV screen. Also, no one likes the person who will commentate the whole game for ya, no one gives an ass about your half-baked rugby theories when it’s try time. Still, there are a few things you can do: throw something at the TV when they start kicking the ball too often, and complain that “the game’s gone soft” whenever there is a penalty given for literally any reason.
Yarns to spit: “Go Beaudie!” - when anyone that looks like Beauden Barrett gets the ball. “That’s a coach killer” - whenever someone drops the ball. “The kick is only ever as good as the chase” - whenever we kick the ball straight to the opposition. “HEAVE” - at scrum time. “He’s over that!” - whenever a random penalty is given after a tackle this is usually the reason.
Trivia:
Why is the trophy called the “Webb Ellis Cup”?
In 1823, William Webb Ellis was a student at Rugby School in Rugby, Warwickshire, playing a game of football when the ball landed in his hands. Incredible. Webb Ellis then looked up, saw a literal Victorian English teenager, thought, “I could actually run it straight and piss bowl this prick over”, and folded that loser – and thus “rugby” was born. The next 199 years would define nations, unite countries, build legends and destroy my God-damned TAB.
Who’s your new favourite player?
Ethan De Groot - Highlander and Southlander, he is a quintessential Southern prop who will give a ‘stags’ sign on the rare occasion that he scores. It’s him or Aaron Smith, really.
What does “Up the Wahs” mean?
Although we hear about the All Blacks all the fucking time, New Zealand actually has other sporting teams to be proud of <3 This includes the Warriors, the team we send over to Australia to compete against those spineless cucks. They have had a fucking fantastic season; to celebrate we say, “Up the Wahs!”
I think I get it, who do I root for?
New Zealand! The All Blacks! We have won this shit three times! We can easily do it again!
Don’t listen to the haters saying, “We lost a game or two,” or, “Our team isn’t what it used to be.” Who cares?! We are Kiwis, and we are built different! Let’s get this fucking bread!
What if we lose?
Oh shit, I didn’t think of that…
Well, the NZ dollar will plummet, so invest in foreign assets. If we don’t win, then both Fiji and Ireland are Critic Te Ārohi’s next favourite teams. Both countries have that dawg in them, and can just as likely lift the trophy this year.
The 2023 Rugby World Cup will last from early September to late October. The fan favourites are Ireland and France, due to the former's incredible skill and high win-rate, and France are hosting so they have immunity to their local cuisine. Up the Wah’s and Up The All Blacks!