How often do you nap?
- I’m not a toddler. I micro-nap by blinking rapidly, when required
- Can it even be called napping when I didn’t get up in the morning?
- Only when my partner does
- Very rarely, and usually in jeans, but when I do I lose all sense of time and space
- Routinely: once a day, 3pm, 20 minutes
- All day, then I emerge at night like a possum and scream at walls
Which character from the Barbie Movie are you?
- Stereotypical Barbie (pre-depression model)
- Allan
- Ken
- Weird Barbie
- Earring Magic Ken
- CEO of Mattel
When in the day is your mood the best?
- After dusk, once the moon rises
- Any time in the afternoon
- Late morning, after I’ve properly woken up
- Golden hour, before the sun starts to set
- First thing in the morning
- Whenever my meds kick in
What high school yearbook superlative are you most likely to receive?
- Most likely to become PM
- Class clown (derogatory)
- Most likely to get knocked up in a walk-in freezer
- Most likely to start an online cult
- Most likely to date a wannabe rockstar
- Most likely to become a cop
Which party are you voting for this election?
- Labour
- National
- Te Pāti Māori
- Greens
- TOP
- Act
Your most embarrassing wank was…
- Never! I refuse to be shamed for my sexuality
- Hentai is basically mainstream now…
- While my partner was sleeping next to me
- Not my fault household objects be dick-shaped
- Lecturer’s voice made me feel some type of way
- We are NOT going there, dude
What is your biggest flaw?
- Still a bit of a basic bitch (who isn’t, though)
- Accidentally calling Tinder hook-ups ‘Mummy’ mid-root
- Regularly sending 20 texts in a row with no punctuation
- Anything will give you the ick, except actual red flags
- Your friends tell you every event begins half an hour earlier so you show up on time
- So indecisive no one wants to go to the supermarket with you
What are you watching tonight?
- A three-hour video essay on something I don’t care about
- A comedy (British, not American)
- Something artsy so I can brag about being cultured
- Daddy Attenborough
- B-grade retro horror
- My life slip away in my hands
Mostly A’s: Satisfyer Pro 2
You kind of suck, but in a good way. You're a legend around town. A local celebrity, even. You can be a bit loud, and you might be a bit dated, but why ruin a good thing? Yeah, you make some people nervous, and yeah, some others don't find you very interesting - but you've earnt my respect. You’re classy yet approachable, but you might need to be scrubbed a bit.
Mostly B’s: Bobo breast massager
You're a bit quirky, a bit different, and you don't take yourself too seriously. Not everyone enjoys your vibe, but you can’t please everyone, and those you do please get super attached. There are always hangers-on in the DMs. Still, you're a bit of a simp, not to mention the mummy issues. People seem to like having you around, though, except for when your minor oral fixation compels you to suckle on the nicotine teet of your mate’s vape.
Mostly C’s: Remote-controlled Couples Vibrator
You and your beloved seem lovely, but you're a bit codependent. You work well in theory, but in practice things get messy. You’re a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and it’s hard to find a partner to match your energy, but you’re practically attached at the hip. That being said, you're artsy, you’re daring, and you could probably snap a carrot with a kegel. But you’re useless on your own.
Mostly D’s: Giant Glass Teardrop Dildo
You've got an opulent aesthetic that practically glows. You can be cold at first to most people, but you warm up to them pretty quickly. Most of the time people think you're being rude to them when they wave to you on the street and you don't wave back, but it's usually just because you're way too stoned to notice them. Being chill suits you well, but this is a reminder to clean all the shit out of the bottom of your purse xx
Mostly E’s: Cock Ring
Most people don’t really get you, but it never bothers you. You know what feels good, and you always make time for yourself because you deserve it. Any room you enter becomes 5% freakier. You probably go commando regularly. You don’t have a favourite colour. You’re tossing up getting an unconventional piercing. No matter how the world looks at you, you know you are truly kenough.
Mostly F’s: Deluxe Cleaver Urethral Spreader
Don't talk to me or my urethra ever again. Are you in the music scene? Because it’s giving Dunedin Sound-ing.