When you’re genderqueer and don’t use gendered terms, it can be hard to include good dirty talk in your sex life. Sex is fun, intimate, and it should be sexy, right? Dirty talk can quickly become awkward Mad Libs from hell when trying to remove gender from your lexicon (“baby girl” to “baby… person?”), but there’s no reason to remove the sexiness too. “Love” and “darling” are sweet and ungendered, but it’s not hot. We want to feel hot. The all too popular “daddy” and “mommy” definitely can’t be used (should they be though? That’s a different conversation). So what options are there for our they/thems? Critic Te Ārohi has you sorted with 25 hot unisex pet names.
- Champ: Starting off strong because you are a winner and you should be treated as such. “Nice backshot, Champ.”
- Chef: Bonus points if you have a tea towel over your shoulder. “Yes, Chef”; “Needs more salt, Chef.”
- Gamer: Poggers, AFK (away from knob).
- Comrade: Fist each other to achieve comrades in arms, and arms in comrades.
- Boss: Something is gonna get a raise. “On it, Boss.”
- Bruv: “Oi, you like drill? Cos I need one, Bruv.”
- Sport: “You knocked that one out of the park, Sport” (while wiping cum off you).
- Coach: “Put me in, Coach,” am I right?
- Patient Zero: This specifically applies to those in halls. Bacteria are genderless, anyway.
- Partner (cowboy inflection): When you’re in the depths of the Taieri Plains riding some lil’ hottie. “Broke this back, Partner.”
- Your Highness/My Liege: Pull that one out for when Chuck dies. “Buttplug? As you wish, My Liege.”
- Le Freak: C’est Chic. On that Le Freak shit.
- Hole: We all got one. At least one, Critic hopes.
- Cap’n: If they are lying about how much they’re packn’. “Aye aye, Cap’n.”
- Reporter/Editor: Personal favourites of the Critic staff. Maybe the death of journalism is good, actually. “Editor, I’ll have it E.O.D. (end of dick).”
- DJ: Favourite of our Radio One neighbours. “DJ, hit it.”
- God: Praise be. Dunno about the father, but I will suck the sons and holy spirit out of you. “God.”
- Dawg: Woof. Genderless (even though all dogs are boys). “Downwards, Dawg.”
- Hellraiser: If they have a lot of piercings. Putting the “whore” in “horror”.
- G: Ain’t ‘nuttin’ but a G thang, baby. Guiding it in: “I got you, G.”
- The Chosen one: JK Rowling can’t do anything to stop us using this one. “Kneel, Chosen One.”
- Procurer: Nothing is sexier than an extensive vocabulary.
- Playa: As in, they have game. Not as in an area of flat, dried-up land, especially a desert basin from which water evaporates quickly.
- Chief: “Sure thing, Chief.” Military titles yield a bounty of sexy pet names, like Commander, Lieutenant, Sergeant, and Colonel. Finger lickin’ good.
- Their name: You should feel sexy saying each other's name because you are sexy. Believe in yourself.