With Club Penguin back up and running (praise be), I thought I would use this bountiful opportunity to get something I’ve only ever dreamed about: a boyfriend.
The new CP is slightly different: there’s ads on the loading page for one matter and everyone is a member. The class divide is finally gone, Club Penguin is a socialist haven and peace is restored to the igloos once more. But also all the old data is gone, so I’m forced to make a penguin from scratch. This is probably for the best (sorry Crazymag1c but you’re lacking prominent pussy potential (PPP) to pull in the dick.) I toss around a few possibilities like hot_thot and thotty, all of which get rejected for being too vulgar; this is a kids site after all. I type in slimey, as an ode to my greasy, quarantine hair, then I hesitate. I need more. Tentatively, I type in V. Then A. Then G. I stop and look up, barely unable to believe my luck. Slimeyvag is an approved nickname. Slimeyvag has maximum PPP. I click login.
Now: a few things to note. With this new Club Penguin comes the incredible arrival of mature servers. On mature servers you can swear and shit-talk as much as you want with zero repercussions. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to being a straight, white male. The mature servers are Walrus, Tea, Mammoth, Flippers and Frozen. Memorize them, ink them on your skin if you have to. However, with the ability to swear and flirt like a sailor also brings a strangely right-wing tone to these servers. There was a confusing and shocking amount of antisemitism. Not at all what I’m looking for in a BF. So, be warned.
Once logged into a server, I got straight to work. Don’t be foolish enough to think you can land a straight-up hottie with a plain-ass penguin. No. You are a 1/10, fresh out of the website womb. You need money, you need some banging accessories, you need to sort your shit out before you can even sniff the underside of a penguin dick. So, to the mines I went. The mines, like in real life, are the best place to earn money fast. For a one minute game I was earning about $200 a pop, which just makes you wonder about the state of inflation on the island.
With some cash under my belt, it was time for the best bit in any teenage rom-com: the makeover. Now, I was looking for commitment, not just some sleazy one-night stand, but also I needed a boyfriend fast, so I couldn’t play the boring friend-that-slowly-turns-into-something-more route. First up: false eyelashes. Need I say more? I bought a tight, shimmery pink dress that hugged my penguin curves, but topped it with bunny slippers so that I remained quirky and approachable. My accessories: a puffle (I can love and be loved), a feather boa (I’m fun) and a shopping bag (I have money.) I stayed away from the weird alien spacesuits and cavemen togas. No weird fetish gear for Slimeyvag, thank you very much.
With my look complete, it was time to hit the dating scene. Now, the island offers a wide variety of scenic spots for the savvy love-maker, it’s only a matter of figuring out what vibe you want to go for. Because it was still afternoon and I didn’t want to delve into anything too night-timeish, I went to the pond. Ah, the pond. Stoners galore. I sat at the wooden logs placed charmingly around a bonfire, waiting for my prey. Almost immediately a penguin by the name of “BeatMyMeat” approached me, enticed by my feminine offerings.
“Nice name,” BeatMyMeat coyly said.
“You’re not so bad yourself,” I replied.
He sat to join me and we engaged in mild chit-chat, intoxicated by the warm flame of the open fire. We had fun, what can I say. But honestly, do I want a boyfriend with such a vulgar name? No, BeatMyMeat was just a one time affair. It was time to move on.
I checked out the nightclubs, but don’t bother- even on the fullest server the club is as empty as my bank account. It’s basically like a real life Catacombs. If you go to town, there’s a bunch of parties being advertised, all absurdly porny-sound. “XXX girls, tits and drugs at my igloo,” one penguin boasts. “Dirrrtttttty slutty strippers, come party,” advertised another. I went to a couple but the crowded, sticky nature of the packed igloos didn’t bode well for an emotional connection. Shockingly, penguins are able to buy products that closely resemble stripper poles, so pole dancing was aplenty. Oh, and lots of weird, racist talk about Covid-19. For a change of pace I tried the coffee shop but it was far too nerdy for my taste. I want a boyfriend, not several weeks of confusing “are we friends or are we something more” that leads to me inevitably ghosting them. The search continued.
I was getting hungry so I went to the pizza parlour and joined a half-empty booth. The man across the table was user “Unknown1738” wearing a fedora, sunglasses and gamer-style black and white hoodie. Did he remind me of the man I lost my virginity to? Maybe. We made small talk about puffles and pizza, but I sensed a deeper connection. He had hopes, dreams, aspirations. More to the point, he thought I was pretty. Taking a deep breath, I asked him to be my boyfriend. “Hmmm,” he typed. Fuck. But then: A “yes”. It was official: I had a boyfriend. I should have known that I would meet my boyfriend in a fucking pizza parlour. Hahah I’m just a cute, quirky girl that likes pizza! Ask me about sports!
Unfortunately, as fate would have it, it wasn’t a perfect relationship. Our first hurdle was when I asked him about his age, and he dodged the question. I asked again, anxious to make sure that my first relationship wasn’t going to be with a 14-year-old. Another dodge. I asked him directly, “are you 14?” which met a response of “not anymore.” Unknown1738, what do you mean? Am I accidentally dating a child? He never told me his age and, not keen to push the issue anymore, I let it slide.
The waitress was being a bit weird and kept pestering us for our order. We decided to bounce back to his place, ready to begin the next stage of our intimate relationship. His place was decorated with bags of gold. A bit kitsch but nice to know I bagged a zaddy. Our penguin bodies sat on the sofa together, our flippers tentatively touching. Unfortunately, the waitress from the pizza parlour then appeared in his igloo, intent on following us. Her name was SillySue1331. She claimed she and my newfound boyfriend had previously spent the night together. It was a very uncomfortable encounter, but I was determined to work through these newfound relationship problems. I told SillySue to fuck off, and got back to some PG snuggling.
Unknown1738 was nice. Despite a slow start, he slowly turned up the banter and I eventually felt comfortable with him. Too comfortable. About half an hour into the conversation, I had to give my apologies and log off. He asked for my Instagram but I declined, and fled. If I’m honest with myself, it was far too personal, despite being anonymized under a hot penguin with an ass that just won’t quit. Rather, the exchange of “I love you” and “you look cute, babe” amongst many other flirtatious comments made me realize, oh my god, I haven’t flirted in so long. It’s been years, dear reader. My skin crawled with the thought of emotional intimacy. What the fuck was I doing? This shit is scary.
Unknown1738, I’m sorry. You were a darling, a man among boys. I hope you accomplish your dream of developing an action RPG video game. I hope, from time to time in the icy Club Penguin wind, you think of me.