Barbie’s a feminist icon. She’s an astrophysicist. A business executive. A police officer. George Washington, somehow. A paratrooper (“United States Marine Corps Sergeant Barbie”, 1991). She’s also a toxic backstabbing manipulator with a victim complex.
Source: My Scene Barbie Jammin’ in Jamaica (2004).
I have watched this movie about 30 times and every viewing fills me with rage. My Scene was a Barbie spinoff aimed towards tweens, and also sociopaths. Meet our main cast of characters: Madison, Barbie’s “BFF” and manager of sexy boy band Urban Desire, and River, Barbie’s boyfriend, and Urban Desire’s lead singer. Barbie’s there too. We have nothing good to say about her.
Our establishing shot shows Urban Desire winning a competition with their bangin’ track “Spontaneous Combustion”, which is clearly a euphemism for busting your nut too fast: It's so close I can taste it / I just hope that I don't waste it / She's so close, hope I don't show it / Excited I don't wanna blow it / Spontaneous, spontaneous, combustion, combustion / I'm bustin' right out of my skin. Their prize is a trip to Jamaica, and the unbelievable opportunity to perform their demo at the Beat to Beat competition.
Barbie gets jealous. Instead of being excited for her boyfriend, all she can do is whinge. Why isn't she in Jamaica? Barbie convinces her friends to save up and join the boiz. Her friends slave away, walking dogs and hand making jackets to sell at the market. Barbie does a Jeff Bezos and handles the funds while reaping the fruits of their labour.
When the girls make it to Jamaica, Barbie opens her 2004 flip phone and locates River’s location, because she’s a crazy bitch who probably implanted a GPS chip into his brain. Important note: they’ve been dating for two weeks at this point. Barbie drives to River’s hotel and surprises him at breakfast, only to immediately sulk when River leaves to do band stuff. Barbie’s descent into madness begins.
Her behaviour grows increasingly paranoid as Madison spends more time with the band — you know, to do band stuff. Why are they always talking about music together? Is Madison cheating with River? Barbie experiences a David Lynch dream sequence, lending visual form to her subconscious persecution complex, interplaying reality and delusion. Her delirious backhanded gossip eventually reaches Madison, who takes the initiative to chat with River.
They establish that their relationship is purely business. They exchange a platonic hug. What they don’t know is that Barbie is hiding in a bush and spying on them.
Barbie bursts into tears and runs away.
The Beat to Beat competition is about to start, but Madison and River are busy searching for Barbie. Tension and gestalt are built via montage. Madison symbolises her grief by taking off her heart-shaped BFF locket that she only wears for that one scene. Urban Desire misses their sound check. It’s over. They never get to perform their demo at the competition.
Madison finally finds Barbie, sulking on a .png of a rock that the designers obviously found on Google, because My Scene had no budget.
“Did you hear about the band getting disqualified?” Madison says. Barbie stands up and walks away. “Oosh. That bites. You know what else bites? Your best friend trying to steal your boyfriend.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” Madison says, because she didn’t. “Except you did!” Barbie snaps. Madison explains how it was all about the music until Barbie turns up. Barbie gaslights the shit out of Madison. Her psychological manipulation induces cognitive dissonance in Madison; she ends up conceding to Barbie’s distorted view of reality, calling herself a rotten friend, giving into Barbie’s corruption.
Power hungry, Barbie uses her trust-fund money to construct a bootleg competition for Urban Desire, so they at least still get to play under her authority. The film ends with River’s funniest passive-aggressive line of all. “I’d like to thank my girlfriend Barbie,” he shouts to the crowd. “Without her, none of us would have been here.”
Barbie is Iago. River and Madison are Othello and Desdemona. The juxtaposition between Madison’s naivety and Barbie’s jealousy personifies her as a “green-eyed monster”. I cannot believe that the producers framed her as a hero. I wish nothing but the worst for her.