Thursday evening, August 10th. A gang of ten young ruffians swarmed into the Octagon Night ‘n Day, harassing staff and customers while refusing to leave.
The offenders – all in matching outfits – refused to communicate in english. Maybe because they were seagulls.
This is no joking matter. As ram-raids continue to dominate the national news cycle, we needed to consult an expert. Immediately, we reached out to Chris Luxon for advice, hoping to learn something from his Party’s tough-on-crime stance. We told him that “ten individuals… entered a Night ‘n Day in town and caused ruckus by intimidating staff and patrons. It's unclear if they actually stole any items.”
Not one to shy away from pressing issues, we almost immediately got a response from Mark Mitchell, National Party spokesperson for Police. He told us that, “While we do not know the details of this [incident]... it does demonstrate that there is a real sense of ‘no consequences’ among young people, something that has been fuelled by Labour’s soft approach to crime.”
To get to the root of the issue, Critic Te Ārohi spoke with Night ‘n Day staff member Alina*, who witnessed the events firsthand. After co-worker Rodger* had to spend his mid-shift break dealing with the pack of unruly youths, one managed to evade capture by hiding on top of the fridge overnight. The next morning, to rub salt in the wound, the gang came knocking once again. In broad daylight! Something absolutely must be done.
Nina and Amelia, two students after a post-town feed, were trapped in the store while the chaos ensued. “There’s a difference between one or two birds in the library and six or seven big fuck-off seagulls in Night ‘n Day,” said Nina. Though she was pretty unfazed about it all (“I just wanted my wedges”), Amelia was not, saying, “The ratio of birds [to humans] indoors was ridiculous, a line had definitely been crossed.” Still, she said, “We were on a mission to get wedges, nothing was going to stop us.”
The scare tactics employed by the birds were effective, but it’s unclear if they actually made off with any stolen merchandise - the details from the girls were admittedly hazy. If they had, perhaps a better headline would’ve been “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Fine Them”, but we’ll let that one sit for now. In the meantime, the lack of actual damage has encouraged conspiracy theorists to wonder if the whole ordeal was actually an elaborate marketing ploy orchestrated by Night ‘n Day itself. Alina doubted this, and mused that maybe the reason the birds didn’t steal anything was because the food is “pretty shit, really.”
But no matter the explanation, Mark Mitchell was insistent that, “Intimidation is frightening and all business owners and staff should feel safe in their own environment.” Thank you, Mark. We can all sleep at night with the promise that “National intends to ensure that young people know that actions have consequences.” Assuming, of course, that extends to birds. Until the election, we expect Dunedin’s seagulls to continue spitting in the face of the law.
The gulls could not be reached for comment.
*Names changed.