Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Do something cute for yourself this week. It’s time for some much needed self-care. Get a fancy coffee or a sweet treat. Buy yourself something you definitely don’t need. You deserve it! 

Drink for the week: Dirty chai. 

 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

It’s hard being so emotional all the time. I bet you’re exhausted. Try to remember that it’s not actually that deep. You need to stop worrying and overthinking. 

Drink for the week: Green tea with lemon. 

 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

It’s hard being so emotional all the time. I bet you’re exhausted. Try to remember that it’s not actually that deep. You need to stop worrying and overthinking. 

Drink for the week: Lime Cruisers. 

 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

It’s time to be honest with your feelings. How are you, deep down inside? What are your fears and insecurities? Are you really happy? It’s time to open up and connect with yourself in order to grow. 

Drink for the week: $6 pint at Pint Night

 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Geminis sometimes come off as stupid, but really you can be quite the mastermind. Be careful when weaponizing your incompetence. People may catch on to your ways. 

Drink for the week: Tequila shots. 

 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

Now, I’m not saying she deserved it, but I’m saying God’s timing is always right. 

Drink for the week: Tea. 

 

Leo

July - Aug 22

Life’s a bitch, and so are you! 

Drink for the week: Orange juice (with pulp). 

 

 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

What is up with Virgo men at the moment? Why you gotta be so critical? Do you need to keep gaslighting everyone? Engage in some self-reflection, for God’s sake. 

Drink for the week: Emerson's Bookbinder for the wanker you are. 

 

 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

Fuck you’re funny. You should pursue a career in stand-up comedy.

Drink for the week: Long black and a dart. 

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

Scorpio, it’s time to do one of life’s greatest duties: change your bedsheets! Rotting in polyester never did anyone any good.

Drink for the week: Pocari Sweat. 

 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

You can always dish it out, but you can never take it. Stop getting so offended when people take the piss out of you. It’s just a joke, right?.

Drink for the week: Instant coffee. 

 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

It’s time to get loosey goosey, baby. Relax those shoulders, put on a smile and crack open a cold one. Life is beautiful, and so is your smile. 

Drink for the week: Mac’s apple cider.